IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe it is important to spend a lot on family celebration while others think it is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #celebration #waste #money
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Nowadays, all around the world, it has become a custom to celebrate weddings in a very famous hotel.
However
, these wedding halls make thousands of dollars out of
this
 business,
while
 most
families
 borrow
money
 as a loan from banks or their relatives for the expenses of these wedding festivals.
For example
, in my country, nearly all
families
 are under pressure by their customs and traditions to hold their loved one’s wedding in the wedding hall, which causes enormous financial strain on them,
whereas
 I believe nobody should go under cultural and tradition pressure to spend
money
 on trivial celebrations.
However
, wealthy and rich
people
 prefer to spend and boast about their wealth to others by spending unlimited amounts of
money
 on their celebrations, whether it is a birthday party or a grant celebration of a wedding anniversary;
moreover
, they only satisfy their worldly desires and undermine the culture of generosity to share their food with other
people
 who are starving for food.
For example
,
last
 year in India, two wealthy
families
 held a grant wedding ceremony, to which they invited moguls from all around the world. I believe
this
 type of celebration and spending is totally unjustifiable because of social injustices. In conclusion,
money
people
 prefer to spend a lot of
money
 on family celebrations, which significantly undermines the fairness of society between
people
.
On the other hand
,
people
 can still celebrate and have the same level of happiness with their
families
 with less spending on family festivals. I believe it is very important to have an observation of society’s financial status to see why I should spend less and be happy.
Submitted by am.edrees on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument and presents a clear opinion. However, more specific examples and deeper analysis of the points mentioned would strengthen the argument further. For instance, discussing the psychological and social impacts of extravagant spending on family celebrations would add more depth.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow could be improved. Some points are repetitive, and the transitions between the ideas are sometimes abrupt, affecting the overall readability. Work on creating smoother transitions and logically organizing the essay’s structure.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of coherence within paragraphs. Occasionally, the essay jumps from one point to another without fully exploring the initial point. Focusing on elaborating each point comprehensively before moving on to the next can help in maintaining a clear flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that neatly frames the discussion, which helps in presenting a focused argument.
task achievement
The writer provides a solid response to the question, addressing both views and offering a firm personal opinion. This clarity in response demonstrates a good understanding of the task.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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