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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present times. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

#rise #world’s #population #humanity #times
Some
people
 argue that the continued
rise
 in the
population
 of the world is the greatest
problem
 encountered by humanity at present. The causes of
this
 continued
rise
 are ignorance of
people
 about the harmful effects of
overpopulation
 and not having proper
access
 to
birth
control
 materials. I personally believe that it is the greatest
problem
 encountered by humanity because
due to
overpopulation
people
 cannot get equal
access
 to their basic needs. Ignorance of
people
 about the detrimental effect of
overpopulation
 is the primary cause of
population
rise
. Many
people
due to
 their low literacy level do not understand and believe the harmful effect of
population
rise
.
As a result
, these
people
 are not conscious of
birth
control
, which
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 to
population
rise
. Another reason for
population
rise
 is not having proper
access
 to
birth
control
 materials. Many
people
 from
underdevepoled
Correct your spelling
underdeveloped
 and developing countries cannot afford
birth
control
 items because of their high prices, and
therefore
, they cannot
control
birth
.
This
also
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
show examples
 to
population
rise
.
For instance
, in Bangladesh, many women from rural areas say they cannot
control
birth
 despite
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
their wishes only because they cannot afford
birth
control
 pills. I personally believe that
population
rise
 is the greatest
problem
 encountered by humanity because
overpopulation
 restricts everyone
to
Change preposition
from accessing
show examples
access
 their basic needs equally.
People
 cannot afford their basic needs which are food, accommodation,
clothings
Change the wording
clothing
items of clothing
articles of clothing
show examples
, education, and healthcare. If a country has a huge
population
 compared to the resources it has, it will be hard for the
people
 of that country to meet all their basic needs.
For example
, India has 120 million
population
 which is huge compared to the resources it has.
Therefore
,
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 of
this
 country cannot meet all their needs and suffer from poverty
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
unemployment and
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 issues. In conclusion, the reasons for
population
 growth are ignorance of
people
 and shortage of
birth
control
 materials.
Population
 growth is the greatest
problem
 because it restricts the accessibility to basic needs.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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language
Consider using a wider range of vocabulary to further enhance your argument and make your points more compelling.
content
Attempt to provide more varied examples across different contexts such as cultural or economic scenarios to strengthen your argument.
content
Try to elaborate more on the solution aspect or other potential perspectives to present a well-rounded essay.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
content
The arguments are well-reasoned and supported by relevant examples, such as the situation in Bangladesh and India.
language
Coherence and cohesion are well-maintained throughout the essay, with effective use of transition words connecting various ideas.
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