Some people think that having a set retirement age for everybody regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire certain age limit agree or disagree
This
is a controversial argument around the word about the age
of retirement
which is related to some factors such
as the type of their jobs, difficulties that they faced with, and their mental and physical situation. I firmly believe all these items should be considered for every individual who wants to be retired.
On the one hand, some occupations are physically demanding, such
as construction work or nursing, while
others are mentally taxing, like academic research or software development, therefore
, the retirement
age
really depends on everyone's situation, so it is not appropriate to generally decide a specific age
for it. Additionally
, financial resources play a crucial role in people's lives and it will be important before setting a time for retirement
, to allocate enough time to provide a sufficient budget for their elderly ages.
On the other hand
, in some cases, people prefer to continue their job , and they think it will be a more proper decision for them rather than staying at home. The government should let them decide about it individually, also
checking some health measures for them is essential for them too. For example
, if the professor of the college still wants to teach after the retirement
age
, it will not be a wrong choice if he or she is on an appropriate condition.
In conclusion, deciding about the retirement
age
is a decision which numerous items influence it. It is different for every individual, so all the measures should be considered to set a limitation for it.Submitted by ostorr7213 on
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coherence cohesion
Your general logical structure is quite clear and effectively guides the reader through your argument. However, there are places where coherence can be improved. Try to use more linking words and phrases to make your ideas flow more smoothly from one to the next.
introduction conclusion present
Introduction and conclusion are present, but both can be further developed. The introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that summarises your stance, while the conclusion could more strongly reiterate your key points.
supported main points
While your main points are generally well-supported, some arguments would benefit from further development and specific examples to make them more persuasive. For instance, when mentioning physically demanding jobs, concrete examples like 'coal miners' or 'firefighters' could be useful.
complete response
Address the range of factors influencing retirement decisions, but be sure to give equal weight to both sides of the argument. Sometimes one side of the argument seems stronger because it's more detailed.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are generally clear and comprehensive, but could benefit from further refinement. Be careful with sentence structure and word choice to avoid any confusion. For instance, 'some factors such as the type of their jobs' could be simplified to 'factors such as job type.'
relevant specific examples
While you provide relevant examples, they could be more specific to reinforce your points more effectively. For example, vivid anecdotes or statistical data could make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Your essay tackles a thought-provoking issue with a balanced perspective, acknowledging both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The organization of your essay is clear, with distinct paragraphs and a logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
You use a variety of vocabulary and sentence structures, which is commendable and keeps the reader engaged.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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