IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that schools should invest more money in technology, such as more computers, while others think more money should be spent on teachers. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #schools #money #technology #computers #teachers
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The target sector of educational investment is still debatable for some people. Many people believe that schools should spend more budget on
technology
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,
while
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 others argue that schools must invest more money in teachers' well-being.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give my personal standpoint. On the one hand, some individuals believe that spending more money on
technology
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 will bring big advantages to education, yet it will not produce tremendous results. Nowadays, the penetration of
technology
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 is nearly perfect and evenly distributed around the world.
For instance
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, Indonesia as a developing country has already reached more than 90% of internet and smartphone penetration.
This
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 means that almost all students already own their personal devices to study.
In addition
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, taking more investment in computers does not need to be on top priority,
due to
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 the rolling schedule of computer-related subjects in each class.
Therefore
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, the computer resources can be used interchangeably.
On the other hand
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,
instead
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 of investing more into
technology
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 as a tangible facility, spending more money on intangible components
such
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 as teacher's salaries and well-being will produce a more magnificent impact. Low teacher rewards led to decreased teaching productivity.
For example
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, the majority of Indonesian teachers currently earn only one-third of the minimum wage per month.
As a result
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, Indonesia placed as one of the worst countries in the PISA evaluation score.
To sum up
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,
although
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 many people argue that tangible investment into
technology
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 is better for schools, I firmly believe that spending the educational budget on teacher's salaries will bring a more valuable impact.
Submitted by azkaalazkiya97 on

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or data to support the claims made. This will enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a slight repetition of ideas in the essay, such as the level of technology penetration. Avoid repeating the same point to maintain the reader's interest.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen your linking phrases between paragraphs to ensure smoother transitions. This will improve the flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and outlines the main points effectively. Well done!
complete response
The essay stays on topic and answers the prompt well by discussing both viewpoints and providing a personal opinion.
supported main points
There is a good balance between discussing investments in technology and in teachers' well-being, which helps in presenting a well-rounded argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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