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Band 4.5

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #happiness #factors #influence
Happines
Correct your spelling
Happiness
 is something that gives hope to
people
,no matter how you will be spending your time with your children going to your
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 work or just doing what you like.For many
people
happiness
 can be explained differently
for example
, in some cases
people
 don't like to spend their time at work that they hate,
this
 may have a dramatic impact on their
overall
 health and can be damaged both mentally and physically.A lot of
people
,find
happiness
 in
such
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
small things
for instance
a food
Remove the article
food
a portion of food
show examples
.
People
 find so much
happiness
 in food
according to
 a Mental Discovery program that was held by
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 embassy eating chocolate can strongly increase
domapine
Correct your spelling
dopamine
 levels a
ghormone
Correct your spelling
hormone
that is
 responsible for
happiness
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 I see
Happiness
 in
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
multiple ways.Taking care of
mental
Correct pronoun usage
my mental
show examples
 and physical health had a huge impact on my level of
happiness
,it's significantly refined my
happiness
.I started taking care of myself
eating
Change preposition
by eating
show examples
 the right food and cutting all unhealthy carbs and sugar that
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 damaging my skin and my gut,
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
show examples
 I added more proteins and healthy fats to my diet
such
 as eggs and avocados.But
this
 couldn't make me happier and I started working out at least 4 times a week and I felt dramatical growth in
body
Correct pronoun usage
my body
show examples
,
besides
 that I started taking my sleep very seriously,
usually
Add a comma
usually,
show examples
 I would go to bed very late and the lack of sleep had an impact on my daily performance during that day.So taking care of myself
seriosly
Correct your spelling
seriously
 and distracting myself from
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
people
 really make
so
Correct pronoun usage
me so
show examples
 happy.Another,thing that makes me happy is my family I cannot live without them.My sister
would have
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 a big influence on me and she always
give
Wrong verb form
gave
show examples
 me
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right
directions
Fix the agreement mistake
direction
show examples
.My family is my
happiness
.
Submitted by ayhanhuseynov13 on

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introduction conclusion present
Consider adding a clear introduction and conclusion to your essay. This will help provide a logical structure and smooth flow to your writing.
complete response
Make sure your ideas are fully elaborated with more specific examples, and ensure they directly respond to the prompt. This will enhance the clarity and completeness of your response.
clear comprehensive ideas
There are some grammatical inaccuracies and misspellings, such as 'domapine' which should be 'dopamine', and 'ghormone' which should be 'hormone'. Proofreading your essay before submission would be beneficial.
relevant specific examples
You provided relevant specific examples related to your personal experiences, such as eating healthy and spending time with your family, which add value to your essay.
supported main points
You demonstrated the ability to present and support your main points, such as the impact of mental and physical health on happiness.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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