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Writing Samples
Band 7

In many places around the world more and more people are suffering from stress-related illnesses. What are the causes of stress and how can the problem be tackled?

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Nowadays, stress-related
illnesses
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 are becoming more popular among workers across the globe.
This
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 essay will discuss the
causes
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 of
this
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problem
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 and offer solutions. The
causes
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 of stress-related
illnesses
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 are complex. In
this
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 modern society, long working
hours
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, working pressure and a sedentary lifestyle are considered as the main
causes
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 that lead to
this
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problem
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. Many workers now have to spend '9 to 5' in workplaces which leads to stressful conditions. It means that they do not have enough time and energy to implement work-life balance.
Secondly
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, many employees
also
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 have to deal with pressures from their employers. If they do not want to be pressured, they might be replaced by others which means losing their jobs.
Consequently
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, they cannot avoid the level of pressure they face in
day-by-day
Correct pronoun usage
their day-by-day
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 routines. Another cause is a sedentary lifestyle since they have to work in front of a computer for long
hours
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. These
causes
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 might bring them to some
illnesses
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such
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 as cancer, heart attack and high blood levels. There are some solutions that can be offered. Reducing working
hours
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 and promoting physical
exercise
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 are the best ways to solve
this
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problem
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. Companies can start reducing working
hours
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,
for instance
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, by implementing four days per week
instead
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 of five days. In some countries
such
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 as Finland and Sweden,
this
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 practice results in huge benefits for professionals since it increases the productivity level among employees. Another solution is to promote physical
exercise
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such
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 as jogging and cycling. Since workers have enough time to work out, it is important to do
exercise
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 because it helps them improve their level of fitness. In conclusion, long working
hours
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, working pressure and a sedentary lifestyle are the main
causes
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 that lead to stress-related
illnesses
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. So, in order to solve
this
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problem
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, reducing working
hours
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 and promoting physical
exercise
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 are the best ways to solve
this
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problem
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
To improve, consider providing more specific and detailed examples to support your main points. This will enhance the relevance and impact of your arguments.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more fully in each paragraph, providing evidence and elaboration to make your points clearer and more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Some transitions and connections between ideas could be smoother. Work on using a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant main points and examples that support your argument.
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