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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is the positive and negative of this in the development of children?

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In some parts of the world, some junk
food
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 owners try to promote their
products
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 among scholars by providing financial support to the
school
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. I personally believe that
this
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 action is likely to have more negative effects on pupils' development. First and foremost, fast
food
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products
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 are not healthy enough to be consumed by
children
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. As ready meals are
kind
Correct article usage
a kind
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 of ultra-processed
food
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, it leads to poor
quality
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 of
health
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 for
children
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's
body
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bodies
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. The ultra-processed
food
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 consists of
high
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the high
a high
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amount
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amounts
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 of
sodiums
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sodium
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 and fats which
evolves
Verb problem
will cause
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 more complex brain problems in the future.
For example
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, in Jakarta, the number of fast
food
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 restaurants rapidly increases around the
school
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 areas which makes the
school
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children
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 consume more fast meal
products
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. Studies showed that the number of
children
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obesity
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who are obese
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 grows
as well as
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 the
consentration
Correct your spelling
concentration
 level of
children
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 when they study in
the
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apply
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class.
Therefore
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, it can be said that promoting junk
food
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products
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 in a
school
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 will reduce
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quality
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the quality
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 of pupils'
health
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as well as
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 their learning focus.
Secondly
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, the
school
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 needs to provide a good
quality
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 of consumption and it should not affiliate to any company that will harm the
children
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's future
health
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. A good
quality
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 of
food
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 is basically
a
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apply
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real
food
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 that
served
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is served
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 without any toxic chemical seasoning. By providing
this
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 kind of consumption, the
school
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 helps the
children
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 to receive adequate vitamins and energy,
thus
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, they can have their best performance during the class.
For example
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, a
school
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 in Bandung supplies full
of
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apply
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nutrient menus, regulated by the
healthy
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health
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 minister of Indonesia, differently each day.
As a result
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, the fast
food
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 companies are not able to ask the
school
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 to promote their
products
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. In conclusion, the
school
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 needs to take care more
on
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of
show examples
 their
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children
Change noun form
children's
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health
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 by not accepting cooperation from junk
food
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 companies. Advertising fast
food
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 meals in a
school
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have
Verb problem
is
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 more
disadvantage
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disadvantageous
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 effect
particulary
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particularly
 in terms of
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health
Correct article usage
the health
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quality
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 of the scholars.

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task achievement
Ensure all arguments are fully developed and supported by specific details and examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions for better logical flow.
general
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and vocabulary range to make the essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, helping frame the discussion well.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the case in Jakarta and Bandung, adds relevance and strengthens the argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, giving it a balanced perspective.
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