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Band 4.5

It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that effect a children’s development are media and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role …discuss both views and give your opinion.

#factors #effect #children’s #development #media #friends #point #role #…discuss
Obviously,
that
Correct word choice
apply
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we want to bring up our
children
best
Replace the word
better
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 than what we had, as we consider them our big investment and extend to our levies,
therefore
 we can not stand any
thing
Correct your spelling
anything
show examples
 could harm them or drift them away from their goals. Recently , I noticed lots of people consider the main factor that
change
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changes
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 their
children
Change noun form
children's
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 attitudes
were
Wrong verb form
is
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media
 and our
children’s
friends
, no doubt it is a part of fact , but in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 it is not the
hole
Correct your spelling
whole
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 scene, because
the
Correct article usage
apply
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families should have a huge role in their
children’s
 levies,
instead
 of blaming other for their faults ,
lets
Replace the word
let's
let us
show examples
 discuss
this
 issue from both sides. First of all , I believe that
media
 and
friends
 have
enormous
Add an article
an enormous
show examples
 influence on our
children
, and
this
 impact could change their manners which we hardly brought them up with, spending
all
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apply
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our whole life , rabidly , an external element could destroy our achievement!
very Shocking
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Very shocking
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,
is not
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isn't
 it? .
Not to mention
 that they could drift them away from their bright future.
media
 with its Strick advertisements and the weird thoughts of movies and TV shows,
on the other hand
, their friend who could
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
serious influence by their limited experience. But do you think if we teach our
children
on
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apply
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honesty and clarity in their
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, could they get lost? Personally, I believe that keeping them as
friends
 as much as we can and being close to them, will save and protect them from any external attempt
may
Correct pronoun usage
that may
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 spoil their levies. At
last
, it is true that the impact of
media
 and
friends
 could cause
changing
Change the form of the verb
changes
show examples
 in their
children’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, but a bit of Control could solve the problem from scratch. believed that nowadays main factors that
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 a
children’s
Fix the agreement mistake
child’s
show examples
 development are
media
 and
friends
. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role
Submitted by Mido  on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic but lacks depth in explaining the viewpoints. Try to expand more on how media and friends influence children's development and provide more detailed examples and arguments.
coherence and cohesion
There are coherence issues within and between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea, and use clear topic sentences and transition words to connect your ideas more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is somewhat disorganized, and sections of it feel repetitive. Work on structuring your essay more logically, introducing each viewpoint clearly and then providing supporting evidence before moving to your opinion and conclusion.
task achievement
Your introduction establishes the topic, giving a clear overview of the issue being discussed.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion attempts to summarize the argument, which helps in closing the discussion effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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