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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that sports and physical education should be mandatory parts of the school curriculum, while others believe they should remain optional. What are the potential benefits of making sports compulsory in schools, and do you agree with this idea? Explain your position and provide relevant examples.

Some people say that
sports
Use synonyms
 and physical
acitivity
Correct your spelling
activity
 should be
incoporated
Correct your spelling
incorporated
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the
school
Use synonyms
 curriculum,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 there are others who prefer it to
be remain
Change the verb form
remain
show examples
 as optional. There are many advantages
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 including physical
education
Use synonyms
 as
part
Use synonyms
 of
school
Use synonyms
courses
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
educate
Wrong verb form
educating
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 about
team
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 and
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 to have physical activity to
be remain
Change the verb form
remain
show examples
 healthy.
Incoporating
Correct your spelling
Incorporating
sports
Use synonyms
 in the
education
Use synonyms
 systems is
part
Use synonyms
 of
approach
Add an article
the approach
an approach
show examples
 to
teach
Change the verb form
teaching
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 about working in a group. Normally,
sports
Use synonyms
 were played among groups and
this
Linking Words
 indirectly
nurture
Change the verb form
nurtures
show examples
students
Use synonyms
' ability to
work
Use synonyms
 together in a team.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 skills will complement
students
Use synonyms
 when they enter
Add an article
the labor
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 market and become an added value.
For instance
Linking Words
, mostly in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
, the ability to
work
Use synonyms
 in
group
Add an article
a group
the group
show examples
 is essential as they will
work
Use synonyms
 within a division, which comprises
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
several people, and
also
Linking Words
 working interdivison or even intercompany.
Thus
Linking Words
,
sports
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 will cultivate
this
Linking Words
 ability through
education
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, physical
education
Use synonyms
encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 to maintain their
Use synonyms
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 to
keep
Verb problem
stay
show examples
 healthy.
Students
Use synonyms
 who
already
Add a missing verb
are already
show examples
 accustomed to doing
sports
Use synonyms
 regularly will take
this
Linking Words
 behavior regularly even outside of the
school
Use synonyms
's mandate. Regular physical exercise is important particularly when entering adulthood because the
body
Use synonyms
 is no longer as immune as when it was younger.
For example
Linking Words
, whenever someone regularly
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 later
halt
Correct subject-verb agreement
halts
show examples
 the
acivity
Correct your spelling
activity
, the
body
Use synonyms
 will give signals
such
Linking Words
 as
sore
Replace the word
soreness
show examples
 in several
Use synonyms
part
Change to a plural noun
parts
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
incoporating
Correct your spelling
incorporating
 physical
education
Use synonyms
courses
Use synonyms
 would make
students
Use synonyms
 persistent in doing physical activity and subliminally will extend
this
Linking Words
 as
part
Use synonyms
 of their lifestyle. In conclusion, I agree to include
sports
Use synonyms
 and physical activity to be one of
Use synonyms
school's
Add an article
the school's
show examples
courses
Use synonyms
. The
students
Use synonyms
 can acquire skills that later will be beneficial in
work
Use synonyms
in addition
Linking Words
 the
body
Use synonyms
 will remain fit. The benefit of including
sports
Use synonyms
 as
part
Use synonyms
 of
curriculum
Add an article
the curriculum
show examples
 will
last
Linking Words
 longer than merely
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weekly
courses
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the question and provides relevant points. However, you could improve the clarity and depth of your arguments, especially by providing more detailed examples and expanding on the potential drawbacks or counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider working on smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Pay attention to sentence structure to avoid fragmented thoughts and ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that need to be refined for better readability. For example, "incoporated" should be "incorporated," "health" should be "healthy," and "accustomed to doing sports" could be changed to "accustomed to regular physical activity."
task achievement
You effectively highlight essential benefits of including sports in the curriculum, such as teamwork and maintaining health.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-framed, providing a clear start and end to your essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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