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Band 5

Using computers for a long time may have a lot of negative effects on children so it should be restricted. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#computers #time #effects #children
The emergence of
computers
 has helped us in many ways, regardless of the user's age.
However
, when a child uses a
computer
 for a long
time
, it might
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 many potential drawbacks
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
overall
development
 and it should be restricted. I strongly agree that the
use
 of
computers
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be limited to
children
 as it can badly affect their health.
Long
Add a hyphen
Long-time
show examples
time
use
 of
electronical
Correct your spelling
electronic
 devices, mainly
computers
, might decline
children
's cognitive
development
. They have to spend
time
 communicating with
another human beings
Replace the adjective
another human being
other human beings
show examples
instead
 of staring at a screen in order to stimulate their brain. There have been multiple cases where
children
 experience speech delay
as a result
 of excessive
computer's
Change noun form
computer
show examples
screentime
Correct your spelling
screen time
show examples
.
Therefore
, parents should limit the usage of
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 so the
children
 can have a great cognitive
development
. Another side effect of
unhealthy
Add an article
an unhealthy
show examples
 amount of
time
 on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
 is that it
worsened
Wrong verb form
worsens
show examples
children
's eyesight. It is bad for adults to work for a long
time
 in front of a laptop, let alone kids
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 early age. The radiation from the screen is capable
to weaken
Change preposition
of weakening
show examples
 eyesight.
For instance
, my 7-year-old cousin is already using
perscriptive
Correct your spelling
prescriptive
prescription
 glasses because her parents were being careless
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 her
use
 of
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
.
Thus
,
children
 need to be
attented
Correct your spelling
attended
when
Change preposition
to when
show examples
 they
use
PC
Fix the agreement mistake
PCs
show examples
 and they should be given
time
Add an article
a time
the time
show examples
 limit
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 using any devices since they are the possible reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a child's bad eyesight. In conclusion, parents should be more attentive to their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to restrict
computer
 usage as
long
Add a hyphen
long-time
show examples
time
use
 of
computers
 might concern their health and cognitive
development
.
Submitted by ameliahanakaru01 on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or studies to further strengthen your arguments. For instance, mentioning any scientific studies or statistics regarding the overuse of computers among children could add more weight to your points.
coherence cohesion
Work on integrating your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph follows logically from the previous one. Transitional phrases or sentences can help make your essay flow better.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
You presented clear main points in each paragraph, which contributes to a well-structured essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Prolonged computer use
  • Poor posture
  • Eye strain
  • Repetitive strain injuries
  • Overall well-being
  • Physical development
  • Mental health
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Self-esteem
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Blue light
  • Sleep cycles
  • Face-to-face interactions
  • Social skills
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Educational tools
  • Entertainment-focused activities
  • Academic performance
  • Behavioral problems
  • Aggression
  • Reduced attention span
  • Digital devices
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