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Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries, the number of people suffering from stress is increasing. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to tackle it?

#countries #people #stress #measures
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It is considered that the percentage of individuals dealing with
stress
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 is getting higher in many nations across the globe. In my opinion, the most prone to
stress
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 are the students and the main causes of anxiety for them are peer pressure and
school
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grades
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.
Firstly
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, students nowadays want to be in the loop when it comes to new trends. And they tend to copy the things that are in now and want to please their friends with their brand new materials. It will lead to depression if you are just a commoner and you do not have enough allowance to stay in the trends.
For example
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, they buy things or do things that they cannot afford to just to show off to their friends.
Therefore
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, it causes anxiety to them.
Secondly
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,
school
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grades
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 are the most common reason most student experience
stress
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 at a young age because they live up to their parent's and society's expectations. Many guardians now have high expectations of their children, usually, they have specific
grades
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 to require.
Therefore
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, learners now want to strive harder to meet their expectations, which results in poor coping skills in life. They do not have a balance between
school
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 and personal.
For example
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, one student decided to end her life because of getting low
school
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grades
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. So,
this
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 is alarming to societies now because of the anxiety that
the
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apply
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children now face. To reduce
stress
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 among learners, schools now have a lot of activities that involve mental health awareness to conduct seminars and free sessions for those who experiencing
stress
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. Not only the
school
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 but
as well as
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 the government and other agencies have free consultation.
Overall
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, we can't help but feel down sometimes because of the responsibilities and duties we have in our daily lives and it's part of our life, but we have different personnel; professionals or friends ready to lend hands to us whenever we need help.
Submitted by alyssa.cordero22 on

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task achievement
To improve your essay, consider providing a more diverse range of causes for increasing stress levels, rather than focusing primarily on students. This would showcase a broader understanding of the issue.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between your paragraphs. For example, transitioning from one cause to another should be smoother to maintain coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each main point is fully developed with relevant examples and explanations. For instance, elaborate more on how government and public agency interventions can help alleviate stress.
task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task with specific examples focusing on students and their stressors, which makes your argument relatable.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively presented, establishing the context of the issue and summarizing the key points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Work-life balance
  • Burnout
  • Digital detox
  • Mindfulness
  • Coping mechanisms
  • Cognitive-behavioral therapy
  • Financial stability
  • Public awareness campaigns
  • Resilience training
  • Support networks
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