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Band 4

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?.

#people #music #cultures #ages
Music
 has become a part of our life.
People
 in their free time prefer to listen to
music
. Some
people
 think that for bringing
people
 of different cultures together,
music
 is a good medium. I agree with
this
 statement to a large extent.
Firstly
,
people
 listen to different cultures’
music
 and become
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fan
Fix the agreement mistake
fans
show examples
 of that singer. The singers convey their culture’s message through the
songs
.
For instance
, my brother mostly listens to Sawiki
songs
.
While
 he is a Punjabi, he is a big
fan
 of Saraiki
songs
. In
this
 way, he came to know
Saraiki
Correct article usage
the Saraiki
show examples
 language and their culture.
Secondly
, some
people
 will listen to
music
 very carefully. They become the
fan
 of that
music
 singer and they listen to him. If he
say
Change the verb form
says
show examples
 them to be united, they will unite. For illustration, my friend loves Loreen’s
music
 so much. He listens to
songs
 and follows her.
Lastly
,
people
 go to different cultures’ singers’ concerts. There is no restriction for different
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
people
.
people
 spent a lot of money to attend their concert.
For example
, my sister who is a big
fan
 of Karan Aujla. She spent a lot of money to attend his concert where she met different
people
 of different cultures. In conclusion,
music
 brings
people
 of different cultures together through concerts and through listening to their favourite singers.
Submitted by sajeehulzamans on

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introduction
Your introduction is clear but can be slightly expanded to provide more context and background for your argument.
logical structure
Work on organizing your ideas more logically. Some points seem repetitive or not fully connected. Consider using more linking phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
supported main points
Ensure each paragraph is fully developed and contains a clear main idea supported by examples.
clear comprehensive ideas
It's important to elaborate on your points further. Provide more explanations and develop your ideas to show how music can bring different cultures and ages together.
task response
Your essay addresses the task effectively and provides relevant examples to support your points.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your argument.
relevant specific examples
You've included personal anecdotes which help in making your argument relatable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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