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Writing Samples
Band 5

The family has a great influence on children’s development but the influence from outside the home plays a bigger part in children’s life. Discuss both

#influence #children’s #development #home #part #life
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People hold different views about whether family members have a critical impact on offspring's improvement or
Correct word choice
whether others’influences
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others’influences
Correct your spelling
other influences
others influences
 are more essential . I firmly believe that family may contribute to their
children
's development rather than others. On the one hand, it is argued that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 other factors
such
 as school,
friends
 and teachers change teenagers' lives.
Firstly
,
children
 spend most of their time in school around
friends
 or teachers ,
for
Correct word choice
and for
show examples
this
 reason, there are chances for being influenced.
For instance
, during a lesson, a teacher elaborates vast amounts of ideas, topics and thoughts about distinctive themes and it leads to some changes or improvements for students.
Furthermore
, psychology says that the surroundings of a child have a big impact on him or her because in
teenage
Correct article usage
the teenage
show examples
 years they prefer their
friends
'
approvement
Replace the word
approval
show examples
 of their families.
For example
, if their
friends
 are capable, intelligent and hardworking they
also
 are the same with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 help
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
otherwise
, youth can be influenced by dangerous or invalid behaviours
such
 as bullying and violence which leads to detrimental consequences.
On the other hand
, l agree with those who believe that relatives are more likely to impact their younger generations.
Above all
, it is irrefutable that youngsters' characters are made based on the way in which they grow up. To illustrate
this
, if someone
see
Change the verb form
sees
show examples
 violence in a family he will be the same as them because they think it is the right way.
In contrast
, if they are brought up in peace and honesty they will not tend to be villains.
Additionally
, research shows that, if family members support their
children
 financially and emotionally they will be more successful with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 help
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
 it is thought by some that others have a powerful influence on
children
's development, l believe that family play a crucial role in their child's improvement.
Submitted by nezerli.x12 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task, however, some points need further development. Consider adding more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph maintains a single focus and flows logically from one to the next. Some of your points felt a bit disjointed. Try using more transitional phrases to improve the logical structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each idea is clearly developed and supported. Avoid overgeneralizing and ensure that your points are well-explained and backed with relevant examples or evidence.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion, addressing both sides of the argument which shows an understanding of the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your arguments effectively.
task achievement
You have provided some relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points, which strengthens your response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • nurturing environment
  • emotional and psychological development
  • foundational stone
  • external influences
  • diverse perspectives
  • digital media
  • peer pressure
  • social circles
  • intellectual development
  • structured knowledge
  • critical thinking skills
  • cultural and societal norms
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