IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 competitive era, academic success is the priority for
students
Use synonyms
,
due to
Linking Words
 which they feel pressured.
Consequently
Linking Words
, individuals believe
subjects
Use synonyms
 like physical education and cookery should not be included in school
curriculum
Fix the agreement mistake
curricula
show examples
. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and I will mention the reasons in the upcoming paragraphs. School is designed in a way that
students
Use synonyms
 can explore
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all the fields of education and skills. Simply focusing on
studies
Use synonyms
 can make
student's
Correct article usage
a student's
show examples
 mind dull.
According to
Linking Words
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
, a human brain cannot absorb all the information without any break. The main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 having
extra -curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
 activities is to refresh
students
Use synonyms
, so
thay
Correct your spelling
that
 they can learn and understand concepts easily. If they will only focus on
Studies
Use synonyms
Moreover
Linking Words
, these
subjects
Use synonyms
 can give live examples of
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as physics and biology
releats
Correct your spelling
related
 to physical education.
Whereas
Linking Words
, cookery relates to chemistry. All these
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 to develop concentration
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who are not good
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Use synonyms
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
show examples
 will
able
Add a missing verb
be able
show examples
 to find another field in which they can
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
 their
carrier
Correct your spelling
careers
show examples
.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
shold
Correct your spelling
should
 not only focus on
Use synonyms
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
show examples
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
they should
also
Linking Words
 participate in other non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 as it can help to maintain balance in life.
Submitted by chadhabhavika on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clearer structure, particularly in the development of ideas. Consider using topic sentences to begin each paragraph and ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
task achievement
You have made a good effort to address the task. However, try to elaborate more on your points and provide specific examples. This will strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deep understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
There are several grammatical errors and incomplete sentences that disrupt the flow of the essay. Make sure to proofread your work and check for common errors such as subject-verb agreement, use of articles, and sentence completion.
coherence cohesion
Try to include a more defined conclusion that summarizes your key points and reinforces your position on the topic.
task achievement
The introduction does well in stating your position clearly, showing that you have understood the task.
task achievement
You have made a good attempt at linking non-academic subjects to academic ones, such as linking physical education to biology and cookery to chemistry.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: