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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that public health of a country can be improved if the government make laws regarding nutritious food but others think that it is the matter of personal choice and personal responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #health #country #government #laws #food #matter #choice #responsibility
Nowadays, it is a global problem that who should take responsibility for improving public health. The view of whether the
government
 ought to consider its citizens' healthcare or
each
Correct word choice
whether each
show examples
 individual should take some steps for protection is advocated by a group of people. I partially support
this
 viewpoint and I will elaborate my arguments in the following paragraphs. On the one hand,
l
 accept that the
government
 must involved in protecting their citizens' lives with the help of its vast amounts of money and types of equipment because individuals do not have enough power.
For example
, each year every country imports more than thousands of products from different parts of the world. The
government
 ought to accept some laws to ban imports of harmful nutrients which may lead to detrimental consequences
such
 as cancer. Another reason why
l
 support
this
 approach is healthy population may make a profound contribution to the country's economy and development.
For instance
, Monaco is the most wealthy country in the world , because their
government
 is interested in the public's health and lifestyle.
On the other hand
, it is
also
 true that each person is responsible for her or his life. There are several factors that why people should take some
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
 to help themselves.
For example
, if someone goes to market he may consider the ingredients of each item , and
due to
it
Add a comma
it,
show examples
 they can prevent an unhealthy diet.
Furthermore
, consumers
also
 have to be aware of the calories of each meal and more likely to eat homemade meals. Because it has proven that eating out is not as beneficial as cooking fresh food. In conclusion,
l
 agree that the
government
 should take some actions to protect,
l
also
 hold a view that pupils are responsible for their lives.
Submitted by nezerli.x12 on

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General
Your essay generally addresses the topic and presents a clear argument. However, be mindful of typographical errors and minor grammatical issues that can distract the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve your coherence, ensure each paragraph flows smoothly with appropriate transitions between ideas and sections. You can use more linking words and phrases to enhance the readability.
Task Achievement
Each of your main points should be backed by more specific and varied examples. Try to include more concrete evidence and examples to strengthen your argument.
General
For a higher score, work on extending your vocabulary and employing more varied sentence structures. This will make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in conveying your argument effectively.
Task Achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both perspectives, which is crucial for this type of essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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