Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your own oppinion

All
of
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apply
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human
Add an article
the human
show examples
in
this
world has a right to be happy.
Otherwise
, they can
also
change the bad things that happened to them become
bless
Wrong verb form
blessed
show examples
or choose to feel glad. On one hand, some
people
argue that everyone must
responsible
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be responsible
show examples
for their own
happiness
. Meanwhile, others think there are some reasons outside
from
Change preposition
of
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ourselves that make us happy.
This
essay will elaborate
both
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on both
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sides and give a conclusion. First of all,
people
can be happy just because as simple as they depend on themselves.
For example
, once upon a time, I failed my physics exam.
However
, I chose to be happy regardless
anything
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of anything
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that happened to me.
Instead
of crying because of the exam result, the result
makes
Wrong verb form
made
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me
realized
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realise
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that I did not have
passion
Correct article usage
a passion
show examples
on
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for
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physics.
By
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Through
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this
experience, I can happily
dug
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dig
show examples
up my other potentials and
found
Wrong verb form
find
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my interest in social sciences. So, I
am totally agree
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totally agree
show examples
that we are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
who should create and define our
happiness
without getting attached to others. On the other sides, there are
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
of
people
who tend to rely
Change preposition
on their
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their
Change the word
the
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happiness
on
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of
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others.
For instance
, when my
friends
Fix the agreement mistake
friend
show examples
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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broke up with her ex-boyfriend, she cried all night long. After that, she did not want to eat and lack of sleep. As can be expected, she was ill and she said that she
can
Wrong verb form
could
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not live without her ex-boyfriend because she was really in love with him.
Thus
, when
people
too depend on someone or things, they can not make their
happiness
Replace the word
happy
show examples
moments.
To sum up
, both sides have explained
if
Correct word choice
that
show examples
people
responsible
Add a missing verb
are responsible
show examples
to make
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for making
show examples
themselves happy
while
Correct word choice
apply
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if they do not do that. If
people
are
dependence
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
on external things that possibly make them hurt
instead
of happy,
therefore
it is clear to create our own
happiness
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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coherence cohesion
Work on grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to improve the overall readability and sophistication of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that your paragraphs are logically connected to each other.
task achievement
Support your main points with more specific examples or evidence to make your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
Develop your ideas further to show a deeper understanding of both perspectives before giving your own opinion.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, contributing to its logical structure.
task achievement
The use of personal experiences makes the essay more engaging and relatable.
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