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Band 5

Nowadays, more people are migrating to other countries than ever before. In order to become integrated into society in their adopted countries, immigrants should abandon their old ways and adapt to local custom and codes of behavior. Do you agree or disagree ?

#people #countries #society #immigrants #custom #codes #behavior
It is argued that, nowadays
people
 are migrating to other
countries
, so in order to merge themselves there, they need to learn new
costum
Correct your spelling
customs
custom
costume
 and codes and should forget old ways. I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the idea that should learn new culture of their
choosen
Correct your spelling
chosen
countries
, but they should not forget their
roots
. I will justify my opinion in
this
 essay with examples. Commencing with
agreement
Correct article usage
the agreement
show examples
 side,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
current
Correct article usage
the current
show examples
 time, many youngsters are not satisfied with the facilities of their own country, for
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 they choose to move to different states for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
educational and job purposes.
While living
Correct word choice
Living
show examples
 in
unknown
Correct article usage
an unknown
show examples
 society, brings some barriers as well. In order to merge themselves
people
 need to learn new traditions , cultures and codes of adopted society. It will help
people
 in
settleing
Correct your spelling
settling
their
Correct your spelling
there
show examples
 and will make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
survival easier for them.
For instance
, if
people
tries
Change the verb form
try
show examples
 to learn the language of that particular state,
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
 it is
esaier
Correct your spelling
easier
 for them to communicate and defend themselves in society.
However
, knowledge of
norms
Correct article usage
the norms
show examples
 and values of
other state
Change the wording
another state
other states
show examples
 will
also
 help individuals in their survival.
For Example
, every year many
pakistanis
Change the capitalization
Pakistanis
show examples
 move to the UK and America for educational purposes and for
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 they
tries
Change the verb form
try
show examples
 to master the language of those nations. Now
comming
Correct your spelling
coming
 to the disagrement side,
although
 learning new cultures
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many plus points but it has some negative aspects as well. Learning other's
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 and
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 makes
people
 forget their own
roots
.
People
 are so passionate
toward
Change preposition
about
show examples
 other's
costom
Correct your spelling
customs
, that they stop following their own rituals. Even
their
Change the word
the
show examples
comming
Correct your spelling
coming
 generations are not aware of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 own traditions and values.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 many
Pakistanies
Correct your spelling
Pakistanis
 who
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 resident in the
Uk
Correct your spelling
UK
show examples
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 decades, have almost
forgot
Change the verb form
forgotten
show examples
 their
roots
.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 their generations are not familiar with the
costoms
Correct your spelling
customs
 and codes of their
countries
. In some
cases
Add a comma
cases,
show examples
 it
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been observed that the
decendants
Correct your spelling
descendants
also
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 have proper knowledge of their own religion.
Hence
, it is proven that
people
 move to other states and occupy the norms and values of other
countries
, which justifies
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 survival there but
stucking
Correct your spelling
sticking
 to
thie
Correct your spelling
their
the
 own
roots
 is
also
 important because it is the responsibility of individuals to pass their culture to the generations.
Submitted by hadiyanasir73 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure there is no repetition of ideas. Some points seemed a bit redundant. Try to be concise and direct to avoid confusion.
coherence cohesion
Maintain consistency in your argumentation. At times, the essay seemed to waver between agreement and disagreement without clarity.
task achievement
Improve grammatical accuracy and reduce errors. There are various grammatical issues, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect tense usage, that need attention.
task achievement
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of the essay. This will help in conveying your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Good attempt to balance both sides of the argument by discussing both agreement and disagreement viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a basic structure to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • immigrants
  • integrated
  • adapt
  • customs
  • codes of behavior
  • social integration
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • estranged
  • mutual respect
  • harmoniously
  • assimilation
  • multicultural environment
  • inclusivity
  • diversity
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