Many people think that money is important to achieve happiness. What is the importance of money to happiness? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.
In
this
21st century, every individual is in the race to make more money
than everyone .
Rephrase
else.
People
think that in achieving happiness money
plays a vital role. In this
essay, I will discuss the ways how important money
is to be happy.
To begin
with, there are several points for it, the first and foremost is a lifestyle change. There is a big difference in the lifestyle of poor and rich people
. Rich people
can afford anything for themselves , Whereas
poor people
have to do labour work or some other work to fulfil their daily needs. Everyone wants to make money
for their children's better future, for fulfilling family' demands. For instance
, a survey done by companies shows, 15
% per cent of the Correct word choice
that 15
mass
are ending their life becauseFix the agreement mistake
masses
,
Remove the comma
apply
a
lack of Change preposition
of a
money
. And that is
increasing every year. So, there is no doubt that, for staying happy money
is important. The other reason is good education. The fees of schools and universities are very high and poor and even, middle-class families face difficulties managing it
. Correct pronoun usage
them
Some
, times students to under stress when they don't get the college or university admission Correct your spelling
Sometimes
which
they want because of the higher amount of fees.
Correct word choice
that
Furthermore
, with money
mass can travel to any country or anywhere with their families which gives them happiness and increases their bonds with each other. If it comes to people
who don't have money
, they suffer every time for their children's studies or for their needs.However
, the only thing money
cannot buy is good health. For example
, if someone is in the fourth stage of cancer, money
or something else cannot help to give them the life they had before.
In conclusion, for living a good lifestyle and fulfilling dreams money
is very crucial but there are some things which money
can't buy which as good health.Submitted by kaursaijbir on
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task response
Ensure consistency in maintaining the formal tone throughout the essay. Phrases such as 'mass can travel' can be replaced with 'people can travel', or 'individuals can travel'.
coherence cohesion
Proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors, such as 'For fulfilling family' demands.' - which should be 'For fulfilling their family's demands.'
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a good framework for the essay.
task response
The essay provides relevant examples to support the main ideas, making the points clearer.