IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people think that money is important to achieve happiness. What is the importance of money to happiness? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

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In
this
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 21st century, every individual is in the race to make more
money
Use synonyms
 than everyone
.
Rephrase
else.
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People
Use synonyms
 think that in achieving happiness
money
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 plays a vital role. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the ways how important
money
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 is to be happy.
To begin
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 with, there are several points for it, the first and foremost is a lifestyle change. There is a big difference in the lifestyle of poor and rich
people
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. Rich
people
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 can afford anything for themselves ,
Whereas
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 poor
people
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 have to do labour work or some other work to fulfil their daily needs. Everyone wants to make
money
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 for their children's better future, for fulfilling family' demands.
For instance
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, a survey done by companies shows,
15
Correct word choice
that 15
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% per cent of the
mass
Fix the agreement mistake
masses
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 are ending their life because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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a
Change preposition
of a
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lack of
money
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. And
that is
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 increasing every year. So, there is no doubt that, for staying happy
money
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 is important. The other reason is good education. The fees of schools and universities are very high and poor and even, middle-class families face difficulties managing
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
Some
Correct your spelling
Sometimes
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, times students to under stress when they don't get the college or university admission
which
Correct word choice
that
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 they want because of the higher amount of fees.
Furthermore
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, with
money
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 mass can travel to any country or anywhere with their families which gives them happiness and increases their bonds with each other. If it comes to
people
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 who don't have
money
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, they suffer every time for their children's studies or for their needs.
However
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, the only thing
money
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 cannot buy is good health.
For example
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, if someone is in the fourth stage of cancer,
money
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 or something else cannot help to give them the life they had before. In conclusion, for living a good lifestyle and fulfilling dreams
money
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 is very crucial but there are some things which
money
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 can't buy which as good health.

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task response
Ensure consistency in maintaining the formal tone throughout the essay. Phrases such as 'mass can travel' can be replaced with 'people can travel', or 'individuals can travel'.
coherence cohesion
Proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors, such as 'For fulfilling family' demands.' - which should be 'For fulfilling their family's demands.'
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a good framework for the essay.
task response
The essay provides relevant examples to support the main ideas, making the points clearer.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • facilitation
  • foundational
  • comfort
  • financial stability
  • pursue hobbies
  • passionate
  • fulfilling
  • satisfying
  • financial security
  • peace of mind
  • mental well-being
  • fostering
  • social connections
  • fulfillment
  • material possessions
  • lasting memories
  • satisfaction
  • diminishing returns
  • wealth
  • translate
  • significant
What to do next:
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