Some people think that the government is responsible for looking after the elderly. Others believe that it should be family members. What do you think should take responsibilities?
Some
people
believe that taking care
of long life people
is government
responsibility Correct article usage
a government
whereas
others think families are more responses
Replace the word
responsible
to
looking after their elderly . In my Change preposition
for
opinion
I strongly believe that both sides are responsive and Add a comma
opinion,
showing
a crucial role.
Wrong verb form
show
To begin
with , the senior people
are present with several medical illnesses such
as diabetes, heart problems and physical retraction. To tackle this
issue the government are response
Replace the word
responsible
to provide
Change preposition
for providing
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
health
care
systems. Moreover
, many of
Change preposition
apply
long life
Add a hyphen
long-life
peoples
are suffering Fix the agreement mistake
people
of
Change preposition
from
the
low Correct article usage
apply
care
services due to
the crowdedness at
Change preposition
of
Add an article
the hospital
a hospital
hospital
and primary Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
health
care
centre
. The improvement in the Fix the agreement mistake
centres
hospitals
quality will Change noun form
hospital's
plays
a significant role Change the verb form
play
with
Change preposition
in
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
overall
health
. A recent study found that the
urban cities have Correct article usage
apply
low
percentage of elderly Add an article
a low
people
due to
the
poor Correct article usage
apply
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
care
systems.
On the others
hand, family members are Correct quantifier usage
other
response
too in order to keep looking Replace the word
responsible
of
their elderly. Change preposition
after
Furthermore
, spending a long time with seniors show
a significant impact on their psyches. Verb problem
has
However
, if the elderly people
staylonely
at home they will feel less valuable and isolated. Correct your spelling
stay lonely
Therefore
, the new generation should spend the
enough time with their parents and grandparents to keep them motivated.
Remove the article
apply
To conclude
, as I mentioned before both edges have a crucial effects
on elderly Correct the article-noun agreement
a crucial effect
crucial effects
care
.Submitted by rahafalkhashti7 on
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coherence cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more fluidly by using transition phrases and words. This will help your essay to flow better and be more readable.
task achievement
Make sure that your main points are clearly supported with relevant examples and detailed explanations. This helps to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Although the introduction and conclusion are present, you should work on making them more impactful by summarizing the main points and emphasizing the overall argument.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which showcases your ability to analyze the topic from multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which are both important elements of a well-structured essay.
task achievement
The arguments you have presented are relevant to the topic and contribute to your overall response.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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