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Writing Samples
Band 7

The growing numbers of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The growing number of overweight
people
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 makes
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
health
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 care system a more concerning issue to be tackled immediately. It is often believed that
school
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 education plays the most important role in encouraging
exercise
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. I partially agree with
this
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, for physical education at
school
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 encourages students to participate in different kinds of
exercise
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 regardless of the importance of
food
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 they eat at home to avoid
obesity
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. On the one hand, physical training as a part of
school
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 curriculums is effective in promoting
health
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 as
people
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 are constantly engaged with various types of
exercise
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.
In other words
Linking Words
, various sports
such
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 as playing tennis and swimming offered by
school
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 lead to the improvement of
health
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 conditions as they are able to find sports suitable for their own needs and interests.
For instance
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, I was able to lose weight by 5kg since I found swimming interesting as I saw gradual progress throughout its courses.
Therefore
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, physical training courses are essential as they increase the motivation of
people
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 with
obesity
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, who are able to find an exciting way of training.
On the other hand
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, the role of
school
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 education is limited as overweight
people
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 should understand what they should consume to reduce their weight to maintain good physical conditions. Indeed, their
obesity
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 often originates from unhealthy eating habits with an excessive amount of sugar and fat, increasing more risks of getting
obesity
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 and other serious
health
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 issues including heart disease and brain strokes. To illustrate
this
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, approximately 70% of obese
people
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 tend to consume more instant noodles hamburgers and pizza in daily life than organic
food
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 based on vegetables and fruits.
Thus
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, a careful choice of
food
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 should be promoted by friends and medical staff, whose effects are more long-lasting than physical training provided by the
school
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. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that physical
exercise
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 embedded in
school
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 curriculums plays a critical role in reducing the weight of overweight
people
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 since they are more motivated to participate in various kinds of training that match their interests.
However
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, they should
also
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 gain helpful advice from friends and medical staff on the types of
food
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 they consume.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a relevant response to the prompt and presents a clear opinion on the issue. To further improve, ensure that every paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, making the argument flow seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates clear coherence and cohesion, with logical structuring of ideas. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more seamlessly connected to the body paragraphs. Try to make the relationship between each section more explicit.
task achievement
The use of personal experience (e.g., the example of losing 5kg through swimming) adds a strong, personal touch to your argument and helps make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph is well-structured and focuses on a single main point, helping to maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • healthcare system
  • strain
  • physical education
  • school curriculum
  • childhood obesity
  • health issues
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • preventative measures
  • mental health
  • overall wellness
  • controlled environment
  • participation
  • nutritional education
  • community health initiatives
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