The growing numbers of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The growing number of overweight
people
makes a
Correct article usage
the
health
care system a more concerning issue to be tackled immediately. It is often believed that school
education plays the most important role in encouraging exercise
. I partially agree with this
, for physical education at school
encourages students to participate in different kinds of exercise
regardless of the importance of food
they eat at home to avoid obesity
.
On the one hand, physical training as a part of school
curriculums is effective in promoting health
as people
are constantly engaged with various types of exercise
. In other words
, various sports such
as playing tennis and swimming offered by school
lead to the improvement of health
conditions as they are able to find sports suitable for their own needs and interests. For instance
, I was able to lose weight by 5kg since I found swimming interesting as I saw gradual progress throughout its courses. Therefore
, physical training courses are essential as they increase the motivation of people
with obesity
, who are able to find an exciting way of training.
On the other hand
, the role of school
education is limited as overweight people
should understand what they should consume to reduce their weight to maintain good physical conditions. Indeed, their obesity
often originates from unhealthy eating habits with an excessive amount of sugar and fat, increasing more risks of getting obesity
and other serious health
issues including heart disease and brain strokes. To illustrate this
, approximately 70% of obese people
tend to consume more instant noodles hamburgers and pizza in daily life than organic food
based on vegetables and fruits. Thus
, a careful choice of food
should be promoted by friends and medical staff, whose effects are more long-lasting than physical training provided by the school
.
In conclusion, I somewhat agree that physical exercise
embedded in school
curriculums plays a critical role in reducing the weight of overweight people
since they are more motivated to participate in various kinds of training that match their interests. However
, they should also
gain helpful advice from friends and medical staff on the types of food
they consume.Submitted by mizuho on
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task achievement
Your essay provides a relevant response to the prompt and presents a clear opinion on the issue. To further improve, ensure that every paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, making the argument flow seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates clear coherence and cohesion, with logical structuring of ideas. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more seamlessly connected to the body paragraphs. Try to make the relationship between each section more explicit.
task achievement
The use of personal experience (e.g., the example of losing 5kg through swimming) adds a strong, personal touch to your argument and helps make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph is well-structured and focuses on a single main point, helping to maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.