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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good to expliot them. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #ok #animals #benefit #expliot
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It is argued that we can make use of
animals
Use synonyms
 for our own motives,
while
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 some people oppose
this
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 narrative. The question arises in our mind, what profit do we get from them and how can we lessen their
expliotation
Correct your spelling
exploitation
? I completely favour the ideas and will support my opinion in
this
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 essay. Commencing
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the first narrative, many individuals support the argument that
animals
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 can be used for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal benefits. As they are created by God, to benefit us. In
this
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 regard,
animals
Use synonyms
 are profitable for us in many ways.
For example
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, the dog
as
Correct your spelling
is
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 a true companion and a protector, the cow
as
Correct your spelling
is
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 a milk and meat provider etc.
Furthermore
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, religion is another factor for which
animals
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 are used.
According to
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 Islamic culture and religion , it is a ritual to
secrifice
Correct your spelling
sacrifice
 a cow, a goat or a camel every year.
Consequently
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, humans have many reasons to use
animals
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 for their own gains. Moving to the other idea,
,
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apply
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many people argue that
animals
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 should not be
explioted
Correct your spelling
exploited
 for personal grounds. If we continue the
secrifices
Correct your spelling
sacrifices
 of the fauna,
then
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 the time will come,
where
Correct word choice
when
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 we will
loss
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lose
show examples
 these species.
Also
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, cutting,
misstreating
Correct your spelling
mistreating
 and taking labour from them
are
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is
show examples
Add an article
a violation
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violation
Fix the agreement mistake
violations
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 of
animal's
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animal
show examples
 rights. For
this
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, the government should take measures on time, before
its
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it's
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 too late.
Hence
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, it is proven from the above arguments that humans have their own reasons for using
animals
Use synonyms
 for their gains, but it is
also
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 a fact, that if we follow the same practices,
then
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 it will
leads
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lead
show examples
 to the decay of these creatures.
Besides
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, the attention and action of the authorities can save them.
Submitted by hadiyanasir73 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument clearly, but some of your points could be more developed. Try to provide more detailed examples and elaborate on your reasoning for a stronger response.
coherence cohesion
There are some small grammatical errors and inconsistencies. Paying attention to these details would make your essay more polished and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your structure is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in understanding your key points easily.
task achievement
You’ve successfully discussed both sides of the argument and provided your own opinion, which is important for this type of essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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