IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good to expliot them. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #ok #animals #benefit #expliot
It is argued that we can make use of
animals
 for our own motives,
while
 some people oppose
this
 narrative. The question arises in our mind, what profit do we get from them and how can we lessen their
expliotation
Correct your spelling
exploitation
? I completely favour the ideas and will support my opinion in
this
 essay. Commencing
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the first narrative, many individuals support the argument that
animals
 can be used for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal benefits. As they are created by God, to benefit us. In
this
 regard,
animals
 are profitable for us in many ways.
For example
, the dog
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 a true companion and a protector, the cow
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 a milk and meat provider etc.
Furthermore
, religion is another factor for which
animals
 are used.
According to
 Islamic culture and religion , it is a ritual to
secrifice
Correct your spelling
sacrifice
 a cow, a goat or a camel every year.
Consequently
, humans have many reasons to use
animals
 for their own gains. Moving to the other idea,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
many people argue that
animals
 should not be
explioted
Correct your spelling
exploited
 for personal grounds. If we continue the
secrifices
Correct your spelling
sacrifices
 of the fauna,
then
 the time will come,
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 we will
loss
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 these species.
Also
, cutting,
misstreating
Correct your spelling
mistreating
 and taking labour from them
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
Add an article
a violation
show examples
violation
Fix the agreement mistake
violations
show examples
 of
animal's
Change noun form
animal
show examples
 rights. For
this
, the government should take measures on time, before
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 too late.
Hence
, it is proven from the above arguments that humans have their own reasons for using
animals
 for their gains, but it is
also
 a fact, that if we follow the same practices,
then
 it will
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to the decay of these creatures.
Besides
, the attention and action of the authorities can save them.
Submitted by hadiyanasir73 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument clearly, but some of your points could be more developed. Try to provide more detailed examples and elaborate on your reasoning for a stronger response.
coherence cohesion
There are some small grammatical errors and inconsistencies. Paying attention to these details would make your essay more polished and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your structure is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in understanding your key points easily.
task achievement
You’ve successfully discussed both sides of the argument and provided your own opinion, which is important for this type of essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!