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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of advertisements which try to persuade children to buy snacks, toys, and other goods. Parents often claim that these ads are unfair as parents feel under pressure to buy these kinds of this for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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Nowadays, there has been an increase in the number of advertisements targeted at kids.
As a result
, many adults claim they feel under
pressure
 to buy the stuff from the TV. I agree with
this
 and believe that advertisements have a huge impact on the
pressure
that is
 put on the
parents
. Television has a significant influence on children. In fact, many corporations try to make use of it and persuade them to buy their products on purpose. Kids are less resistant to market propaganda than adults, so it is often believed that it is easier to convince them that some products are necessary.
Such
 an approach puts
pressure
 on
parents
 as their children start demanding new toys, snacks, and other goods which they cannot afford or just do not want to allow.
Consequently
,
parents
 are in a tough situation wondering what to do.
In addition
,
such
 a practice can lead to a disagreement between members of the family. Often, as long as kids won't get what they want they behave rude and unpolite, which is problematic. Adults, who don't want to argue with their young ones, are forced to do what they want.
However
, the ones who are more resistant, suffer from non-stop quarrels.
Therefore
, if there weren't any advertisements, families would live a better life. In conclusion, I fully agree that
such
 an approach has many significant drawbacks as it puts
pressure
 on
parents
.
Furthermore
, it can lead to arguments within families and influence children's behaviour, which
also
 constitutes its relevant disadvantage.
Submitted by kuba.glogowski on

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task achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the task and addresses all aspects of the question. However, including more specific examples or evidence would strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally well-organized, further improvement can be made by ensuring each point is more clearly developed and connected. This can enhance the logical flow and prevent any small jumps in reasoning.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame the discussion effectively.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported with reasonable arguments, making the essay coherent and cohesive.
task achievement
The response is complete and addresses the question directly, providing a comprehensive discussion of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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