Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
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Nowadays the majority of our systems
such
as communications, health or transportation are powered by computers. This
relationship of dependency between these areas and electronic technology
has developed in
a frightening situation.
In Change preposition
into
this
topic of discussion, I am on
the opinion Change preposition
of
of
that our modern society is very Change preposition
apply
dependant
Replace the word
dependent
of
Change preposition
on
technology
systems.
Firstly
, it is fair to say that the technology
used in communication, medicine or transport has improved or
society and has given us advantages Correct your spelling
our
within
Change preposition
with
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
of
development, Change preposition
to
such
us
satellites that Correct your spelling
as
helps
us with navigation as Google MAPS. Change the verb form
help
However
, it has been shown how the need of
Change preposition
for
computer based
Add a hyphen
computer-based
technology
has put in danger our personal data with global
computer virus called Troyans. As an example, it is valuable to mention the incident that the NHS (UK health system) had Add an article
a global
few
years ago; a hacker managed to get access to some of our records. Change the article
a few
After
this
a higher security system was built Add a comma
this,
in to
.
Correct your spelling
into
Other issue
that Change the wording
Another issue
Other issues
required
special mention, Wrong verb form
requires
it
happened Correct pronoun usage
apply
few
months ago, Change the article
a few
where
the Windows system that controlled and powered Correct word choice
when
the
international flights suffered an incorrect Correct article usage
apply
updated
of the codes and caused Replace the word
update
a
worldwide airport Correct article usage
apply
caos
.
In conclusion, despite the general improvement that computers and their Correct your spelling
chaos
technology
can provide, there is a big risk if we fully depends
on them as it has been Change the verb form
depend
showed
there Change the verb form
showing
shown
significant
uncertainty caused by an incorrect Add a missing verb
is significant
codes
refresher or a direct attack against our systems.Change the noun form
code
Submitted by alextf85 on
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coherence cohesion
The essay contains a reasonable introduction and conclusion but would benefit from clearer paragraphs and transitions between ideas.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main point and sufficient supporting details. Expanding on your points would help to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The writer makes a clear and concise argument, agreeing with the statement that reliance on computer technology is dangerous.
task achievement
The essay includes specific, relevant examples such as the NHS hacking incident and the global airport chaos caused by a Windows update.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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