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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

Most
people
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 think that if you have a
lot
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 of
money
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, you will be happier. In my opinion, I do not think so because
money
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 is important in our lives, but that does not mean
money
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 is everything.
However
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,
people
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 can be happy with good relationships with family and
friends
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,
as well as
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 good
health
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; all of these can bring happiness.
Firstly
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,
money
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 is important in our lives, but sometimes
money
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 is not everything.
That is
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 to say, there are a
lot
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 of things that make
people
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 happy.
For instance
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, some
people
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 who have a
lot
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 of
money
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 are not happy because some of them are not in good
health
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.
Moreover
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, some of them do not have a good relationship with their family.
Furthermore
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, happiness does not come from
money
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. Maybe sometimes a lucky person can be happy with
money
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, but not all the time. Another reason that makes
people
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 happy is when they have a good relationship with their family and
friends
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.
In other words
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, when they have a great family and
friends
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, and they get along well and love each other, they will be happy.
For example
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, in some underdeveloped countries,
people
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 do not have a
lot
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 of
money
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, but they are still happy because their family and
friends
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 make them happy.
Finally
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,
people
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 are happy when they have good
health
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 without any problems. To explain that, some
people
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 do not have
money
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, but they are very happy and comfortable because they are healthy and they do not have any
health
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 issues.
For instance
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,
people
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 who have a
lot
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 of
money
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 but bad
health
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 cannot buy good
health
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.
Nevertheless
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,
people
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 who have good
health
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 can do whatever they want.
To sum up
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,
people
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 can be happy without
money
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 because
money
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 is not everything.
People
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 who do not have
money
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 can be happy with their family and
friends
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.
In addition
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,
people
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 who have good
health
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 can be happier than
people
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 who have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your points more logically. For example, have each paragraph focus on a single main idea and its supporting points, rather than mixing ideas and examples together.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to illustrate your points. This will help make your arguments more compelling and relatable.
task achievement
The essay successfully covers all parts of the task, addressing both the idea that money is linked to happiness and other factors contributing to happiness.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both clear and present, providing a solid framework for the essay.
supported main points
The main points—importance of family, friends, and health—are generally well-supported, making your arguments persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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