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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that computer games are bad for children m, while others believe that they are useful. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of computer games and give your own opinion.

Some would argue that video
games
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 are not good for kids,
while
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 others would say that they can provide some
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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.
While
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games
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 can improve
children
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’s language skills, I believe that they result in
children
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 not exercising and becoming overweight. The main advantage to playing computer
games
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 when a person is young
,
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apply
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 is that it exposes young people to foreign languages in an authentic context.
This
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 enables them to practice a second language in real life, which is more enjoyable and productive than
the
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in the
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 classroom.
For example
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, teenagers in Asia can chat
to
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with
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 American and British people
while
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 they play online
games
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 like World of Warcraft. Despite
this
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, I believe that
this
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 encourages
children
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 to lead a very sedentary lifestyle which can lead to poor health. Playing online
games
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 for extended periods of time means that
children
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 do very little exercise.
This
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 leads to obesity-related diseases ,
such
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 as diabetes and heart disease, later in life because they become obese.
For example
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, it is estimated by the WHO that
children
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 are now 30% more likely to be fatter than kids 30 years
age
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of age
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due to
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 the fact that they now prefer to play indoors rather than outside where they are more likely to get exercise. I believe that
this
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 makes overconsumption of video
games
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 dangerous and they should only be used in moderation. In conclusion,
although
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 computer
games
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 can help
children
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 improve their linguistic ability, they
also
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 prevent them from getting enough exercise and they should
therefore
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 only be used sparingly.

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clear comprehensive ideas
Try to enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. Some portions could benefit from more detail or clearer explanations.
logical structure
Be mindful of repetitive structures. Varying sentence structure and transitioning smoothly between paragraphs will improve readability.
relevant specific examples
Consider incorporating more specific examples to strengthen the points being made. This will make your arguments more compelling.
introduction conclusion present
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion.
supported main points
The main points are well supported and examples are provided to substantiate the arguments.
complete response
The essay presents a balanced discussion by providing both advantages and disadvantages of computer games.
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