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Band 5.5

Childhood obesity is a growing public health crisis. In your opinion, what are the reason for this and what can be done to tackle this issue?

#childhood #obesity #health #crisis #reason
People have different opinions on the growing childhood
obesity
 crisis, In
this
 essay, I will discuss the causes of
this
problem
 first and
then
 offer some possible solutions to it. In my view, the primary cause of
this
problem
 is the major cause of childhood
obesity
 is unhealthy diet. Nowadays, processed
food
 is easier to prepare as a meal from busy parents or restaurants, meanwhile, the price is
also
 cheaper and very tasty. That are reason of people tend to choose fast
food
 rather than cooking healthy whole
food
 by themselves, but forget the calories will increase
obesity
. One other factor adding to
this
problem
 is that entertainment during breaks or personal time has changed,
children
 prefer scrolling phones rather than hanging out with friends. When I was a primary school student, I always played basketball during breaks, but when I was a high school student, social media was very popular, everyone stayed in their seat and scrolling phones, and lack of frequent exercise
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
also
 a factor leading to
obesity
. In order to overcome
this
problem
 and make
children
 healthier, parents should pay more attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
food
 ingredients. Choosing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 meal which has more
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
 than fried
food
,
ensured
Wrong verb form
ensures
show examples
children
 do not eat too much sugar,
furthermore
, the school can
also
 provide
lunch
Correct article usage
a lunch
show examples
 which is designed by nutritionists, to control
food
 balance and calories.
On the other hand
, parents can spend more time with
children
, taking
children
 into nature more, preventing
children
 from being addicted to phones, and schools can provide more PE classes, to help students do more exercise to avoid the
obesity
 crisis. In conclusion,
while
 it is improbable that any solution will be found in the near future. I feel that the abovementioned measures would be a good first step.
Submitted by meniwii.c on

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coherence cohesion
Try to use variety in sentence structures to increase the overall fluency and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of the essay.
task achievement
Provide more detailed explanations and examples to fully support main points.
task achievement
You have made a clear attempt to address both parts of the task.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant and specific examples that help in illustrating your points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and adequately framed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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