IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should invest more in public health and less in other areas such as education and infrastructure. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #health #areas #education #infrastructure
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There is an argument that says public health investment should be more prioritized by the officials rather than other aspects
such
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 as education and
infrastructure
Use synonyms
. I personally disagree with
this
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 notion and I will elaborate more on
this
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 essay. It is generally accepted that public health is important to be invested
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due to
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in because
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 it provides emergency facilities.
However
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,
an
Correct article usage
the
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 educational field
also
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 plays a pivotal role
to generate
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in generating
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an
Correct article usage
apply
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excellent quality
of
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for
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 future generations. As the schools have adequate facilities to support the learning process, it leads scholars to maximize their
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
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.
For example
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, in Jakarta, the schools have a laboratory to help the students for doing
a
Correct article usage
apply
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biological
experiment
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experiments
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.
In contrast
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, the teachers in Sorong schools only educate their students about a biology subject by books
due to
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 a laboratory
lackness
Correct your spelling
lack
.
As a result
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, the quality of the pupils in Sorong is not
that
Correct word choice
as
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 excellent as the Jakarta scholars. If the government invests more
on
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in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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supporting facilities in
such
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 rural areas,
this
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 kind of disparity would not happen.
Therefore
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, the education investment has to be prioritized as well.
Furthermore
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, talking about the other
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
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such
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 as
infrastructure
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, it is clearly a crucial facility that
need
Change the verb form
needs
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 to be invested
by
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in by
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 the government. The
infrastructure
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 has a huge leverage on the economic situation in certain places. If a rural area has an adequate quality of
infrastructure
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, it supports
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 people to transport their goods to the city easily.
Thus
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, the market price will be more affordable.
For instance
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, the price of eggs in Papua is around Rp 35,000 per kg,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
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 it is only Rp 25,000 per kg in Java.
This
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 gap price happened
due to
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 there is no toll in Papua that reaches
to
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apply
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isolated places
there
Rephrase
apply
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.
As a result
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, the communities need to be burdened by an additional cost
that is
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 caused by the poor
infrastructure
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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investment in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public health is important,
however
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, it is
more wise
Replace the words
wiser
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 to invest
to
Change preposition
in
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 other significant areas
such
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 as education and
infrastructure
Use synonyms
. I strongly believe that the other fields have more crucial roles to individuals in a nation and the government should expend more on these areas.
Submitted by chocolate10 on

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grammar
Try to improve the accuracy of your grammar and sentence structures. Some sentences are a bit awkward or unclear.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a deeper analysis and discussion of counterarguments. It's important to acknowledge and address opposing views.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between your points. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
grammar
Proofread your essay to avoid minor spelling and word choice errors, which can affect the clarity of your arguments.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your main points, making your arguments stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
You addressed the prompt comprehensively by discussing multiple facets of the issue.
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