IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should invest more in public health and less in other areas such as education and infrastructure. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #health #areas #education #infrastructure
There is an argument that says public health investment should be more prioritized by the officials rather than other aspects
such
 as education and
infrastructure
. I personally disagree with
this
 notion and I will elaborate more on
this
 essay. It is generally accepted that public health is important to be invested
due to
Change preposition
in because
show examples
 it provides emergency facilities.
However
,
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 educational field
also
 plays a pivotal role
to generate
Change preposition
in generating
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
excellent quality
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 future generations. As the schools have adequate facilities to support the learning process, it leads scholars to maximize their
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
.
For example
, in Jakarta, the schools have a laboratory to help the students for doing
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
biological
experiment
Fix the agreement mistake
experiments
show examples
.
In contrast
, the teachers in Sorong schools only educate their students about a biology subject by books
due to
 a laboratory
lackness
Correct your spelling
lack
.
As a result
, the quality of the pupils in Sorong is not
that
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 excellent as the Jakarta scholars. If the government invests more
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
supporting facilities in
such
 rural areas,
this
 kind of disparity would not happen.
Therefore
, the education investment has to be prioritized as well.
Furthermore
, talking about the other
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
such
 as
infrastructure
, it is clearly a crucial facility that
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to be invested
by
Change preposition
in by
show examples
 the government. The
infrastructure
 has a huge leverage on the economic situation in certain places. If a rural area has an adequate quality of
infrastructure
, it supports
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 people to transport their goods to the city easily.
Thus
, the market price will be more affordable.
For instance
, the price of eggs in Papua is around Rp 35,000 per kg,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 it is only Rp 25,000 per kg in Java.
This
 gap price happened
due to
 there is no toll in Papua that reaches
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
isolated places
there
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
As a result
, the communities need to be burdened by an additional cost
that is
 caused by the poor
infrastructure
. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
investment in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public health is important,
however
, it is
more wise
Replace the words
wiser
show examples
 to invest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 other significant areas
such
 as education and
infrastructure
. I strongly believe that the other fields have more crucial roles to individuals in a nation and the government should expend more on these areas.
Submitted by chocolate10 on

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grammar
Try to improve the accuracy of your grammar and sentence structures. Some sentences are a bit awkward or unclear.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a deeper analysis and discussion of counterarguments. It's important to acknowledge and address opposing views.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between your points. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
grammar
Proofread your essay to avoid minor spelling and word choice errors, which can affect the clarity of your arguments.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your main points, making your arguments stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
You addressed the prompt comprehensively by discussing multiple facets of the issue.
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