Young people today spend too much money on fashion and technological items. Some people say that this trend has negative impact on the society. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

The most
life
expenditure for juveniles is for
fashion
and technological facilities in
this
modern world.
That is
to say, youngsters spend their wages on styles and electronic
equioments
Correct your spelling
equipment
extremely more than other items. Individuals believe that
this
way has negative aspects for
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
. I strongly agree with
this
idea and in
this
essay, I will elaborate
my
Change preposition
on my
show examples
own views. One significant reason for my agreement is that if
people
spend a considerable amount of
money
on
fashion
and
technology
, they will waste their both time and
money
.
In other words
, not only are
fashion
and
technology
items time-wasting, but
also
these facilities do not help youngsters
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
increase their awareness or knowledge. In my perspective, it would be better, if juveniles invested
on
Change preposition
in
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purchasing a new experience beyond
fashion
or technological facilities.
However
, some
people
may feel that
fashion
and
technology
are essential in our society and they might be practical for better communication. Another momentous reason why I agree with
this
opinion is that spending plenty of
money
on
fashion
and technological
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
may change the way of living in society. By way of an example, individuals often tend to pay attention to the new style of
fashion
or a launched
technology
rather than learning a vital career.
Otherwise
stated,
people
used to read interesting books or learn a new occupation
such
as carpentry in the past.
However
, it is becoming more and more popular for
people
to notice various styles and social media which may not be vital in
life
. In
this
case,
life changing
Add a hyphen
life-changing
show examples
can lead to
alter
Change the verb form
altering
show examples
critical values in our society.
To conclude
, there is no doubt that some juveniles prefer to spend a lot of
money
on
fashion
or
technology
. I personally think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
these payments can affect on
life
negatively.
As a consequence
, these negative impacts can not be addressed unless
people
consider other more vital aspects.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
The essay provides a clear position on the topic and addresses both sides of the issue. To improve, make sure to use specific examples that directly support your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is excellent. However, the logical flow between paragraphs could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices and transition words can enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
You have tackled the task effectively and provided a complete response by discussing both perspectives.
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