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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Nowadays, the importance of
courses
Use synonyms
 not related to studying i.e. physical education, cookery, etc. is easily overlooked as there is enormous stress on students to thrive academically.
As a result
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, some folks believe these non-academic
courses
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 should be taken off the curriculum. I firmly disagree with
this
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 idea and the forthcoming paragraphs will provide a detailed explanation to support my understanding. To commence with, not all students have similar strengths and capabilities. Some excel in intellectual
courses
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while
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 others have a forte in subjects involving hands-on knowledge.
For instance
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, it was found by a survey conducted by the Cricket Board of India in 2023 that 84% of Indian cricketers incepted their sports journey from their Schools.
Hence
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, removing these
courses
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 will snatch the opportunity from young children who have a good understanding of sports, cooking and other physical activities. Probing
further
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, having involved games and other activities as a part of studying drives motivation in kids to go to
school
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.
Nevertheless
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, it had been hard for parents to send their kids to
school
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 but if they were to just work on academic
courses
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 in
school
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then
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 it would kill the passion of even the studious learners to study. An example of
this
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 can be the fact that on days like Sports Day or Annual function, all Canadian schools have seen the most participation from the young folks as they do like activities that are not solely based on studying.
Therefore
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, these subjects are crucial to encourage the building blocks of a generation to just go to
school
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. Agglomerating the aforementioned highlights, it seems advisable
to conclude
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 that taking non-academic
courses
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 off the
school
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 syllabus will not only suppress kids that have talent not related to studying but will
also
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 lead to a lesser number of children going to
school
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 on a regular basis.

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coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring that each paragraph maintains a steady flow of arguments and explanations. Occasionally, the transitions could be smoother to improve coherence.
task achievement
Expand on the supporting examples to provide a more comprehensive understanding. For instance, providing more detail about the role of non-academic subjects in overall student development would strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and structured introduction and conclusion, which enhances readability.
task achievement
The main ideas are relevant to the topic and are generally well-developed with appropriate examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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