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Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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With the popularity of
smartphones
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 among
children
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, the debate on whether
this
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 can jeopardise
children
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's mental and physical health has attracted many parents' concerns. From my perspective,
this
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 phenomenon is a double-edged sword,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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on the one hand helps
children
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 to connect with the colourful
world
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;
on the other hand
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, exposes them too early to a
world
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 filled with emotions
than
Rephrase
rather than
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 reasons. Before analysing the pros and cons, we had better explore its causes first. From my experience, the strong feeling of loneliness brought by living in cities is a primary reason. In cities, people usually live in houses independent of each other, where intimate connections between people are hard to establish, especially true for
children
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 as they often have
norrower
Correct your spelling
narrower
 circles than
adults'
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adults
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. Take myself as an illustration, when I lived with my grandparents in a village, where I had many friends of the same age that we rejoiced in exploring fields and pretending to be a hero saving the
world
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 from attacks.
Therefore
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, we seldom
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 time on
smartphones
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.
However
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, when my family moved to a city, I suddenly realised that I did not even know the
children
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 in the same neighbourhood, which resulted in my indulgence in
smartphones
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.
Nevertheless
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,
smartphones
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, as mentioned before,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 some benefits for
children
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. One of them is that it guides
children
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 to enter into a wonderful
world
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 at a negligible cost. Once there was an interview with a girl from
isolated
Correct article usage
an isolated
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 mountains, in which the girl told the journalist that
smartphones
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 enabled her to learn about oceans, deserts, and
galaciers
Correct your spelling
glaciers
. She said it was
unconceivable
Correct your spelling
inconceivable
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 for her to witness these sceneries without
smartphones
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 as she could
affort
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afford
 travel
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
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. In the light of
this
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,
smartphones
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does
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do
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 open a door for deprived
children
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 to the beautiful
world
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.
Nonetheless
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, the excessive usage of
smartphones
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 can do harm to
children
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's health,
for example
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, damaging their eyesight
for
Change preposition
by
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 watching screens for too long. To summarise, lacking social connections can stimulate
children
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 to be addicted
in
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to
show examples
smartphones
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.
This
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 can damage their eyesight but it can
also
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 alleviate the feeling of loneliness and help
children
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 to
leran
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learn
 more about the interesting
world
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.
Submitted by hx88375757 on

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task response
Your essay addresses the task and provides relevant examples. However, make sure to directly answer the question of whether it is a positive or negative development more explicitly in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas within each paragraph are logically connected. You could improve this by using more signposting language and ensuring a clearer progression of ideas.
task response
Your essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the main points, like the personal illustration and the interview with the girl from the isolated mountains.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The ideas are generally well-organized.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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