IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages

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It is believed that nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 live longer compared to the past, which leads to an increasing elderly
population
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 in many countries.
Whereas
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 some
people
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 consider an ageing
population
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 to have some benefits, I strongly agree with those who believe that it has potential drawbacks for two main reasons. On the one hand, the ageing
population
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 will bring a positive perception towards the
government
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. The longer
people
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 live, it higher the life expectancy
number
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 of the
population
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.
In other words
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, the
government
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 has the capacity and competency to look out for its citizens. The high
number
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 of elderly
population
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 will push the
government
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 to provide a proper healthcare infrastructure.
For instance
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, a country without a proper healthcare system, will not have a large
number
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 of elderly
people
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 which indicates the country's inability to do their responsibility.
In contrast
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, if a country has more elderly
people
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, there will be an increasing ratio of dependency. Elder
people
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 are usually unproductive, and they are mostly almost retired or even no longer able to work.
Therefore
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, they may not be able to fulfil their basic needs and the
government
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 must take over the responsibility.
As a result
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, the
government
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 must pay more benefits,
such
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 as health care and pensions, to
people
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 who often no longer have the ability to contribute to the economy.
Secondly
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, elder
people
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 are more reluctant to any kind of disease.
Although
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 many
people
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 live longer, they usually spend more years on disability because of health issues. With a lower immune system, a disease may spread faster and impact the whole community.
For example
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, when COVID-19 was spreading, it was the elderly
people
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 who were impacted the most since it led to
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
complex health issues, causing a high
number
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 of deaths. In conclusion,
although
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 the high
number
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 of elderly
people
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 indicates a high life expectancy and may be the reason why a proper healthcare infrastructure is built, it has
also
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 increased the dependency ratio and created extra spending for the
government
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.
Therefore
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, I believe that the advantages of having more ageing
population
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 are outweighed by the disadvantages.

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear position and generally covers the requirements of the task, but it could be improved by addressing counterarguments more thoroughly.
task achievement
Ensure that all points are well supported with relevant and specific examples. One of the examples provided (COVID-19) is good, but more concrete examples would strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing smoother transitions between paragraphs. This will help with the overall flow of your essay and make it easier to read.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid minor errors in grammar and punctuation. These small mistakes can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Consider linking sentences within paragraphs more effectively to build a stronger logical structure. This will help in clearly outlining your points and supporting them.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is clear and sets up the arguments well, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the key points.
logical structure
The essay has a logical structure, with distinct paragraphs each addressing different points related to the topic.
supported main points
The essay provides some good examples, particularly the reference to COVID-19, which helps to clarify the points being made.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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