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Band 4.5

•Nowadays, it is getting difficult for people to enjoy their lives in cities. Why do you think this is? What can the government do to make life in cities more enjoyable?

#•nowadays #people #lives #cities #government #life
In the nowadays bustling world, it is found that
liviing
Correct your spelling
living
 in cities becomes increasingly
challening
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challenging
 in comparison with in rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
. From my perspective, it has some complicated reasons behind it and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 ought to do something meaningful and useful and provide more comfortable places with citizens. First and foremost, it is obvious that our society, even the whole world, is growing significantly fast. It is not only happening in technology development
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
existing
Wrong verb form
exists
show examples
 almost in every aspect
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
, some electrical
applicance
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appliance
appliances
such
 as
moblie
Correct your spelling
mobile
phone
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phones
show examples
,
computer
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computers
show examples
, watch and so on. They all have a preference to update, without any break, for
using
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use
show examples
. Under these conditions, we have no more time to familiar with something different and we have to follow the tendency without enjoyment or entertainment.
Hence
,
that is
 the
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 we
reconigzed
Correct your spelling
recognized
recognize
 it is getting
difficuly
Correct your spelling
difficult
 to enjoy our
lives
 in cities. In
addtion
Correct your spelling
addition
, with the growing population of individuals in cities, the resources afforded by
Correct article usage
the gorvenment
show examples
gorvenment
Correct your spelling
government
 have left less and less, which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
inability
Correct article usage
the inability
show examples
 to enjoy their
lives
 better
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to previous years.
In other words
, we have to learn how to share some common interests and learn to wait
insteading
Correct your spelling
instead
 of getting directly. There is an example
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 show that,
espectally
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especially
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the festival,
traveling
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travelling
show examples
 becomes a wonderful way for people to relax or enjoy.
However
, every time they come, they will
encouter
Correct your spelling
encounter
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 main problem which is lining up for tourists.
Therefore
, it will result in having a bad
experient
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experience
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
travelling
instead
 of happiness. For the government, it is
nesseary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to set up more activities for relaxation and provide a
varity
Correct your spelling
variety
 of resources or
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 to people, which makes their
lives
 more enjoyable.
For example
,
government
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the government
show examples
 can establish courses
such
 as singing, dancing and playing the piano,
for enriching
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to enrich
show examples
 people's
lives
 and
reducing
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 pressure of study or work. In that way, we have more opportunities to explore and embrace our
lives
 better.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
Your essay covers the main requirements of the task, but there are several areas where it could be improved. For example, try to provide more specific examples illustrating your points, such as real-life scenarios or statistical information. This will make your argument more convincing.
task achievement
You have clear ideas in your essay, but sometimes they are not expressed as clearly as they could be due to language inaccuracies. It would be beneficial to check your writing for grammatical errors and work on sentence structure. This will make your ideas more comprehensible.
coherence cohesion
Aim for a more consistent logical flow in your essay. Each paragraph should follow naturally from the one before it, and the relationships between ideas should be clear. Consider using more linking words and phrases to achieve this.
coherence cohesion
It would be more effective if you could separate the introduction from the body of the essay with a clear thesis statement, and also ensure a distinct conclusion where you summarize the main points discussed.
task achievement
You correctly identified and addressed the question of why urban living is becoming more difficult and offered potential solutions.
coherence cohesion
You have a good range of vocabulary and attempted to use complex structures, which is commendable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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