Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making traditions aimed at tourists. Others, however, believe that it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, travelling has been the most popular thing everyone enjoys doing in their leisure time. They love exploring new places, experiencing different cultures, and seeking adventures. In order to meet the traveller's demands, many cultural
traditions
are modified for commercialization. Some people think that cultural
traditions
may be destroyed when they are used as money-making
traditions
aimed at tourists. Others,
however
, believe that it is the only way to save these
traditions
. In my opinion, both views are true to a certain extent. On the one hand, lots of traditional customs only appeared on special occasions, now they happen more often.
This
change not only gives a bad impression to foreign visitors but
also
makes the customs less meaningful to the locals.
Also
, uncontrolled tourism causes irreparable damage to heritage sites.
For instance
, some tourists carve their names into rock art to mark their journey when they aren’t allowed to do it.
On the other hand
, there are several reasons why monetizing cultural
traditions
is the only way to protect them. The increase in visitor numbers provides funds for protection and restoration. It
also
promotes cultural values and supports local handicrafts.
Moreover
, making money from cultural
traditions
puts it in public display,
this
will provide more knowledge and awareness for people. In conclusion, using cultural
traditions
as money-making attractions has both positive and negative impacts.
Therefore
, it is crucial to strike a balance in how these
traditions
are monetized, ensuring they are preserved
while
retaining their intrinsic value.
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task achievement
To achieve an even higher score, try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This will help in making your points more compelling and grounded.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay is well-structured, using more transitional phrases can help improve the coherence further. Phrases like 'nevertheless,' 'moreover,' and 'in contrast' can help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
task achievement
Try to elaborate a bit more on the negative impacts mentioned and balance them with real-world examples. This will provide a deeper understanding and improve the comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, making it easy to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are strong, providing a good frame for your essay. They effectively introduce the topic and summarize your position.
task achievement
You have provided a well-rounded discussion by acknowledging both sides of the argument before presenting your own opinion. This is excellent for task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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