IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that the government should be responsible for crimes prevention, while others believe that it is responsibility of the individual to protect themselves. Discuss both the sides and give your opinion.

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There is no denying the fact that some
people
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 claim that the
government
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 must punish criminals but others do not.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 may not have the responsibility to take care of crimes, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both points of view and express my opinion. On one hand, the
government
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 may not have the ability to see all the crimes in the
city
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.
In other words
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, if the
city
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 is as big as New York
City
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, the
government
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 does not have the time to cover the whole
city
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 to see if there is a crime or not.
In addition
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, some governments are scared of the mafias or criminals.
For example
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, in Brazil some mafias have full power over the whole country,
also
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 in Italy, it is hard for the
government
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 to do something because they can not face the mafia
due to
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 their power and money.
On the other hand
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, many
people
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 tend to believe that they have the ability to take care of themselves. It is
also
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 possible to say that most of them are rich
people
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 and have security all over their houses,
Moreover
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, most of the
people
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 who prefer to save themselves live in safe countries.
For instance
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, countries like Saudi Arabia pay money just to let their
people
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 in safe and no one can even touch them. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance, I tend to believe that
government
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 should provide free security to all
people
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 because not everyone has the ability to protect themselves.

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task achievement
Try to use more specific examples and evidence to support your points. For example, when talking about the difficulties governments face in big cities, providing specific data or studies can make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between your ideas. Ensure that there are clear transitions between points to help the reader follow your argument. For example, the transition between the discussion about government capabilities and individual capabilities could be smoother.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to demonstrate language proficiency. Try to avoid repetition and use synonyms where possible.
introduction conclusion present
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion on both sides of the argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
The main points are relevant to the topic and there is a clear attempt to discuss both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the task.
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