IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

With the rapid development of communication technology, such as smartphones, tablets, and other mobile devices, some people think the disadvantages outweigh its advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#development #communication #technology #smartphones #tablets #devices #people
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In
this
Linking Words
 technology era, every individual is using
the
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apply
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communication technology
such
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 as laptops,
phones
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 and tablets. Few people
says
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say
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 that disadvantages outweigh its benefits. I agree
to
Change preposition
with
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this
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 but
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 some extent and will discuss
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
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 the following essay. On the first hand, the first and foremost drawback of using mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 is weak eyesight. Nowadays young children are using mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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for
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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most of the time for playing video games,
watching
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and watching
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 social media and
this
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 affects their vision.
For example
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, after using
phones
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 for two to three hours they feel dizzy and
some
Add a missing verb
have some
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 kind of headache
and
Correct word choice
apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 results in their vision.
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As well as
Rephrase
Also
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, they are not giving enough time to their studies
and
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apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 results in their grades.
This
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 is
the
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a
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 waste of time. Moving forward, most
of
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apply
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children
Add an article
the children
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dosen't
Correct your spelling
doesn't
 want to play outdoor activities just because of playing
videos
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video
show examples
 games on tablets.
This
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 can affect their health.
For instance
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, studies
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 done in 2023, which
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
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 out of 20 kids 18
prefers
Wrong verb form
preferring
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 to play video games on tablets
instead
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 of playing outside.
However
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,
thers
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there
 are
few
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a few
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 advantages of
this
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 technology. It helps to communicate with
the
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apply
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people who are far
or
Rephrase
away or
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 are living in another country. Before
phones
Use synonyms
, it was hard to speak with someone who
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 living far, used to
write
Wrong verb form
writing
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 letters that
takes
Wrong verb form
took
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 so many days.
Phones
Use synonyms
 had
took
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taken
show examples
place
Correct article usage
the place
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 of it and made life easier. In conclusion, there are many drawbacks of
phones
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 and laptops as they
affects
Change the verb form
affect
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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health but
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
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 sides can not be neglected.
Submitted by kaursaijbir on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay structure is clear by presenting a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs with topic sentences, and a strong conclusion.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific, diverse examples to strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structures to enhance readability; try to vary your sentence types and avoid repetition.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a good level of balance and consideration.
task achievement
Your essay was able to present some relevant examples, which helped to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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