IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

With the rapid development of communication technology, such as smartphones, tablets, and other mobile devices, some people think the disadvantages outweigh its advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#development #communication #technology #smartphones #tablets #devices #people
In
this
 technology era, every individual is using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
communication technology
such
 as laptops,
phones
 and tablets. Few people
says
Change the verb form
say
show examples
 that disadvantages outweigh its benefits. I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 but
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 some extent and will discuss
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 the following essay. On the first hand, the first and foremost drawback of using mobile
phones
 is weak eyesight. Nowadays young children are using mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most of the time for playing video games,
watching
Correct word choice
and watching
show examples
 social media and
this
 affects their vision.
For example
, after using
phones
 for two to three hours they feel dizzy and
some
Add a missing verb
have some
show examples
 kind of headache
and
Correct word choice
apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 results in their vision.
As well as
Rephrase
Also
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, they are not giving enough time to their studies
and
Correct word choice
apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 results in their grades.
This
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 waste of time. Moving forward, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Add an article
the children
show examples
dosen't
Correct your spelling
doesn't
 want to play outdoor activities just because of playing
videos
Change the noun form
video
show examples
 games on tablets.
This
 can affect their health.
For instance
, studies
was
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were
show examples
 done in 2023, which
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
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 out of 20 kids 18
prefers
Wrong verb form
preferring
show examples
 to play video games on tablets
instead
 of playing outside.
However
,
thers
Correct your spelling
there
 are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 advantages of
this
 technology. It helps to communicate with
the
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apply
show examples
people who are far
or
Rephrase
away or
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 are living in another country. Before
phones
, it was hard to speak with someone who
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 living far, used to
write
Wrong verb form
writing
show examples
 letters that
takes
Wrong verb form
took
show examples
 so many days.
Phones
 had
took
Change the verb form
taken
show examples
place
Correct article usage
the place
show examples
 of it and made life easier. In conclusion, there are many drawbacks of
phones
 and laptops as they
affects
Change the verb form
affect
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health but
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 sides can not be neglected.
Submitted by kaursaijbir on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay structure is clear by presenting a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs with topic sentences, and a strong conclusion.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific, diverse examples to strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structures to enhance readability; try to vary your sentence types and avoid repetition.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a good level of balance and consideration.
task achievement
Your essay was able to present some relevant examples, which helped to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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