IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that raising the
number
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 of
sports
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facilities
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 is the best method to improve public
health
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whereas
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 others
thought
Wrong verb form
think
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 that other efforts are required as
sports
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facilities
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 do not affect public
health
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 that much.
Although
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sports
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 activities could make
people
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 healthier, I believe that
healthcare
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facilities
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 are more important for public
health
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.
Sports
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facilities
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 are believed to be beneficial for public
health
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due to
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 the fact that they allow
people
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 to be healthier by doing more
sports
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. With the increasing
number
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 of
health
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 problems that are caused by the lack of physical activities,
such
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 as obesity,
sports
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 can be beneficial to solve these problems.
As a result
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 of the increasing
number
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 of public
facilities
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, more
people
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 could have healthier lifestyles.
For example
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, since the renovation of Gelora Bung Karno Stadium in Jakarta, more
people
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 are doing
sports
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 in the area than before.
However
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,
while
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sports
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 are beneficial for prevention measures, more efforts should be allocated towards treatment measures.
Healthcare
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facilities
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 are crucial for public
health
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 because they are pivotal for the treatment process.
Due to
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 the high
number
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 of diseases that have to be treated with medical procedures, it is crucial for states to have proper
healthcare
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facilities
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,
such
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 as hospitals and clinics. Hospitals and clinics are able to improve many
people
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's
health
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 conditions
as well as
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 save their lives.
For instance
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, a recent study found that the
number
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 of
healthcare
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facilities
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 in certain cities in Indonesia strongly correlates to the mortality rate in the cities.
To conclude
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,
while
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 many
people
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 think that the best way to improve public
health
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 is by increasing the
number
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 of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
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 because
this
Linking Words
 could promote a healthier lifestyle, I believe that the best way to improve public
health
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 is by increasing the
number
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 of
healthcare
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
,
such
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 as hospitals and clinics because they are able to treat patients.

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task achievement
The essay presents a reasonably complete response to the task, addressing both views on the topic and offering a personal opinion. However, you could enhance your argument by providing more detailed reasons for your viewpoint.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure that all ideas are equally developed throughout the essay. Adding more depth and clarity to each section will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical structure present in the essay, making it easy for readers to follow your argument. However, the transition between paragraphs can be smoothed out further to enhance coherence.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the main points. For instance, the mention of the Gelora Bung Karno Stadium helps illustrate the benefits of having sports facilities.
introduction conclusion present
Clear introduction and conclusion are present, which frame the essay well and guide the reader through the argument.
supported main points
Your main points are mostly well-supported, contributing to a clear and cohesive argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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