IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
It is undeniable that sugar from manufactured food and drinks are indispensable thing in everyone's daily menu in today's world.
While
 some persistently
clinge
Correct your spelling
cling
clings
clinging
 to the notion that sugars should be higher in price,
however
, I hold the opposing idea that those
products
Change noun form
products'
show examples
 expenses should remain the same.
To begin
 with,
impose
Wrong verb form
imposing
show examples
 a higher expense on sugars may lead
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a higher expense on other sugary products.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that sugar is only one of the materials
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 needed to produce those
sweetness
Replace the word
sweet
show examples
 but chocolate, flour,
cheese
Correct word choice
and cheese
show examples
, resulting in an increase in the price of those related ingredients. Technically, sugar
as well as
 other sugary products not only contains a considerable amount of chemical composition which
does
Verb problem
plays
show examples
 an indispensable role in producing energy for our body, but
also
 contributes
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 developing a mighty well-being and
function
Wrong verb form
functioning
show examples
 normally. Imposing a higher expense on sugars
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 the ability of poor people, especially unemployed
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
 to afford those ingredients for the process of producing energy for their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
.
For instance
, rice is a part of every household
dishes
Fix the agreement mistake
dish
show examples
 not only because it
tasty
Add a missing verb
is tasty
show examples
 with food but
also
fulfilled
Wrong verb form
fulfils
show examples
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 satiety.
Submitted by jakelong16091994 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion
Make sure to clearly outline your position early in the introduction. The phrase "I hold the opposing idea that those products expenses should remain the same" could be more direct.
logical structure
Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that relates to the main argument.
relevant specific examples
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, elaborate on how sugary products contribute to a balanced diet with scientific data or studies.
introduction conclusion
Consider adding a conclusion that summarizes your main points and reiterates your position.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay addresses a relevant and contemporary issue.
complete response
The argument against higher prices on sugars for affordability reasons is clear and well-presented.
logical structure
The essay attempts to provide a logical structure by discussing the potential economic effects and nutritional benefits of sugar.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: