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Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that thia would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #thia #effect #measures
In the contemporary world
as well as
 in the past, the topic of public
health
 has constituted an important element of public debate. Nowadays, it is often said that in order to improve it an increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the number of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
 is needed;
however
, others
agrue
Correct your spelling
argue
agree
 that
such
 an approach would not contribute to
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
overall
 improvement and that more complex steps are
neccesary
Correct your spelling
necessary
. Each of these views has both pros and cons. Undoubtedly,
sport
 has a significant impact on
health
. Not only does it
allows
Correct subject-verb agreement
allow
show examples
 you to lose fat, but
also
 to stay in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good form which positively
incluences
Correct your spelling
influences
influence
 your body.
Therefore
, if there was an increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the number of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
, it would
contibute
Correct your spelling
contribute
 to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 public
health
 as more people would be able to exercise daily. To illustrate
this
, many individuals are eager to do
sport
,
however
, especially in winter, they suffer from a lack of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 place to do it,
thus
,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 construction of new
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
 would enable them to exercise. On the
oher
Correct your spelling
other
 hand, more complex steps are required too. In order to improve public
health
 the emphasis should be put on
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the awareness of healthy lifestyle in general. It means that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 not only is
sport
 essential to maintain public
health
, but
also
 other measures
such
 as
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet.
Consequently
,
although
sport
 is a significant factor that influences our
health
, the other ones are
neccesary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 as well. In conclusion, in my opinion, regardless of
sport
, other steps
also
 have to be
done
Verb problem
taken
show examples
 to increase public
health
. Despite the fact that new
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
 would enable people to exercise throughout the whole year, a growth of the awareness of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet is
slo
Correct your spelling
so
 relevant.
Submitted by kuba.glogowski on

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General
Work on your spelling and grammar to avoid minor errors that can interfere with clarity. For example, 'include,' 'contribute,' and 'necessary' were misspelled.
Task Response
Ensure that all main points have supporting examples or evidence to strengthen your response. For instance, when discussing a healthy diet, you could provide examples or explain how awareness campaigns have improved public health.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve logical flow, ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments more clearly.
Task Response
You provided a clear and comprehensive response to the task, addressing both views and giving your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion were present and effectively framed your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay had a logical structure, making it easier to follow your ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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