Too much emphasis is given to education on the young. More government money should be spent on the free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary epoch, some
people
underscore the importance of
education
for young generations.
In addition
, from these
people
's standpoints, the government should
parioritize
Correct your spelling
prioritize
prioritise
expenditure on activities which youth do in their pastime.
This
essay wholeheartedly agrees with
this
debate. On the one hand,
education
plays a crucial role in the young
people
's lives. Not only do individuals with a high level of
education
have
a
Change the article
the
show examples
capability to provide welfare for themselves
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
they
also
can provide a good life for their families and relatives. Owing to obtaining a lot of money from
education
, young
people
are able to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
their childhood dreams.
Moreover
, it is obvious that
people
who pursue
education
in their lives, make better decisions in comparison with other
people
.
For instance
, studies have shown that
people
who do not care about schooling commit more criminal activities compared to
people
who have academic
education
.
On the other hand
, the governments must spend more money on recreational facilities that are employed by youth.
This
work must be done because, whenever government officials do not care about
people
's lifestyles
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
youngsters, they with a high possibility do wrong deeds.
Due to
a deficiency of their
experience
Add a comma
experience,
show examples
it is normal that they are deceived by wrongdoers. For a prime example,
according to
DEA's report, 20 % of American teenagers consume drugs, and
this
rate is significantly more than other age groups drug
using
Replace the word
use
show examples
. In conclusion, both
education
and paying attention to activities that young
people
do in their free time are crucial. Ordinary
people
and politicians,
thus
, concentrate on these sectors.
Submitted by speher2000behroozifar on

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task achievement
Make sure to effectively balance the discussion between the two perspectives. Discuss both the importance of education and the significance of free-time activities with equal depth.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between different parts of the essay to enhance the logical flow. For instance, better connecting the two main paragraphs can improve coherence.
task achievement
Include more specific and relevant examples to enrich your arguments. Solidify your points with clear, real-world instances that clearly illustrate your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, outlining the main stance and summarizing the argument effectively.
task achievement
The argument for the role of education and the necessity of recreational facilities for young people are both presented, offering a balanced perspective.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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