For a long time art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than art. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

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Art

Use synonyms

has been an important part of all cultures around the world for a long time. Meanwhile,

people

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now consider other sectors,

such

Linking Words

as science,

technology

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, and

business

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, to be more essential than

art

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. I personally believe that the advances in

technology

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and low salaries for

art

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workers

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are the crucial factors of

this

Linking Words

issue, and making

art

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subject as a compulsory course in schools can tackle

this

Linking Words

Firstly

Linking Words

, technological advancement totally changes the way

people

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live these days.

Technology

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helps everything become easier, particularly in human life, and thereby it is likely to be more appreciated.

For example

Linking Words

, the smartphone has transformed the way

people

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business

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nowadays. It

Verb problem

has

show examples

recently a common practice to shop and sell things through an online marketplace.

Thus

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, more innovations are expected to come from individuals because of their direct impact on life. That being said, individuals will be more rely on science,

technology

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, and

business

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in order to make themselves more comfortable in daily life.

Secondly

Linking Words

workers

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in the

art

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field usually receive a lesser salary. Many

art

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workers

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need to have side jobs to make a living because of the low income they make from

art

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In contrast

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, other professions,

such

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as scientists, doctors and businessmen, receive more than three times of average income than

art

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workers

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, take novelists

for instance

Linking Words

As a result

Linking Words

people

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see the

art

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field as not good enough for the future and profound to be more concerned with other subjects. One of the possible solutions to tackle the issue is applying

art

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as a mandatory subject in schools. As pupils receive as much information as they can during study, it leads them to be more open-minded to the abstract contents of

art

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For instance

Linking Words

, a school in Jakarta held an

art

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exhibition of their students' artworks. Owing to

this

Linking Words

action, the scholars are likely to feel more appreciated and it motivates them to generate more work. In conclusion, I affirm that technological advancement and salary levels have pivotal roles in making

people

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more concerned with science,

technology

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, and

business

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rather than

art

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However

Linking Words

, the role of

art

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subject in the school can be used to solve

this

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problem.

chocolate10 Thu Oct 03 2024

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language

Try to use more varied sentence structures to further engage the reader.

content

Consider providing more balanced development of points for a stronger argument.

content

Some examples could be more directly related to the main point. Keep an eye on the relevance of each example.

structure

The essay provides a well-rounded argument with an introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the topic effectively.

examples

The essay includes clear examples to illustrate points, such as the impact of smartphones and a school art exhibition.

cohesion

There is a logical sequence in the reasoning that supports the main argument, enhancing coherence throughout.

10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
5
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

7.5

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

7.5

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.5

7.5

Complete response

7.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

7.5

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

362 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

Cultural significance
STEM education
Art installations
Interdisciplinary projects
Public engagement
Art appreciation
Technological advancement
Economic stability
Lucrative careers
Social media influence

What to do next:

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