IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer game, however it does not help in improving their mental abilities. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #tv #computer #game #abilities
Watching
TV
 and playing
computer
games
 is essential for
children
. Since watching
TV
 series and playing
computer
games
 is enjoyable.
Nevertheless
, these activities have disadvantages. To illustrate failure, laziness unease etc.
Therefore
children
 should less
TV
 and play
computer
games
. Seeing that
this
 activity causes too many
health
 problems and a bad life.
Firstly
, providing
children
 with too much
watch
Replace the word
watching
show examples
TV
 and playing
computer
games
, will see bad results. In that, these choices are bad decisions for
children
. After that, they will encounter physical problems. These are hump, visual impairment and distractibility etc. That's why
children
 ought to read books, listen to music and do sport. These are well good results for
children
's mental
health
.
Secondly
, these activities can sick to
children
. Seeing as watching
TV
 and playing
computer
games
 are harmful to the brain. Later on,
children
's brains are substantial for education life.
Hence
children
's families do not give too much for these activities.
In contrast
, families should advised on healthy serenity. All in all,
children
 have many options for mental and physical
health
. To exemplify playing football, running in the streets and definitely reading books. From my point of view, I strongly believe that playing
computer
games
 is a bad option for
children
's mental
health
. So I definitely agree on
this
 issue. Every child must play
other
Change preposition
with other
show examples
children
 and they should meet and talk to new friends. So long as
children
 too much watch
tv
,
children
 will not be healthy in future. For example, they will have bad jobs and wicked life standards. Taking everything into account certainly,
children
 should take care of
this
 issue in the future.
Submitted by eylulelveren7 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

clarity and coherence
Clarify your main ideas more comprehensively and connect them more effectively to enhance clarity and coherence.
support and examples
Use more specific examples to support your main points and enhance the task response.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving logical transitions between sentences and paragraphs to achieve better coherence.
introduction and conclusion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, both of which appropriately address the task.
engagement with topic
The writer's point of view is clearly stated, showing engagement with the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!