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Band 5.5

The working week should be shorter and workers should have a longer weekend. Do you agree or disagree?

#week #workers #weekend
As an adult, we
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 most of our time at
work
. In view of
this
, some employees expressed their expectation
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a curtailed working
week
 and a longer
weekend
instead
. Personally, it is my contention that a shorter working
week
 and a longer holiday will bring merits as it helps people to maintain
work
-life balance, resulting in raising their
energy
as well as
 passion at
work
. First and foremost, a prolonged
weekend
 can allow workers to take enough rest,
hence
,
preserve
Wrong verb form
preserving
show examples
energy
 that
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 better prepare for the job to do at
work
. In order to finish our job perfectly, we need to put plenty of effort into it.
However
, one’s
energy
 is limited. We won’t be energized all the time. Given
this
 situation, rest becomes a vital element in our lives to help us charge ourselves. In Hong Kong, statistics often show that most of the employees can’t get a good rest because of the heavy workload during the working
week
.
Thus
, it is believed that the weekdays can be shorter and holidays can be extended, it can benefit an individual in preserving
energy
 and contribute to a better result at
work
.
In addition
, a curtailed working
week
 and
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 extended
weekend
 allow the workers to feel that they are precious
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the company and raise their passion at
work
. From the mental perspective,
for example
,
according to
 some interviews, it is
founded
Verb problem
found
show examples
 that employees, especially teachers have expressed their need to have more breaks. Not only do they need to
work
 in office time on workdays, but there are follow-thoughts.
Hence
, if more holidays can be provided and the working
week
 can be lessened,
in other words
, their voices and needs are listened to and fulfilled, they may be more willing to engage in
work
. It helps to evoke their sense of belonging to the company and build a high level of job satisfaction. They will put more passion
at
Change preposition
into
show examples
work
consequently
.
To sum up
, owing to the above reasons, we can see how a lessened working
week
 and a longer
weekend
 can
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 positive influences
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a person considerably. It is
therefore
 obvious that it is indispensable to make
such
 a change.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
Introduce more specific examples or data to strengthen your points, such as surveys or studies that support the argument for shorter working weeks.
coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures more to enhance the flow and readability of your essay, which can contribute to better coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument that a shorter working week has several benefits.
coherence cohesion
There is a good logical structure throughout your essay, and the arguments are generally well-organized and follow a clear progression of ideas.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task by discussing the benefits of a shorter working week, such as improved work-life balance and increased job satisfaction.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • productivity
  • burnout
  • motivation
  • mental well-being
  • work-life balance
  • job satisfaction
  • pollution levels
  • traffic congestion
  • consumer spending
  • economic implications
  • leisure and service sectors
What to do next:
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