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Band 5.5

many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
In today’s rapidly changing world,
products
 that contain high levels of
sugar
 are a topic of debate. Some argue that the product’s price should not be increased in consequence resisting the impact on
people
's health to encourage society to consume less
sugar
. I firmly believe that integrating the government’s rule and spreading social awareness can greatly limit consumption and impacts on
sugar
.
Firstly
, sugary
products
 contribute to many health problems regardless of whether they are youngsters or adults.
Such
 as, it can impact both
sugar
 rush and children’s teeth, thereby many doctors suggest parents limit sugary
products
 and feed a lot of proteins
instead
 of their children.
On the other hand
, excessive
sugar
 can be detrimental
adult's
Change preposition
to adult's
show examples
 health,
for instance
, diabetes and kidney failure are likely to be impacts of high
sugar
 levels in their blood.
Therefore
, considering to increase the price of sugary
products
 can be beneficial to extending life.
While
 some argue that increasing sugary
products
’ prices can deteriorate manufacturer's income and impact employee vacancies, it is important to recognize that responsible integration of the government's role
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can mitigate these concerns. The government can deliver public awareness and recommend
people
 to be selective on their daily
products
. In conclusion, the increasing costs of sugary
products
 offer undeniable advantages. Avoiding the harmful effects of these foods and delivering public awareness among society transform
people
 into healthier
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. As we move forward,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
policymakers and laboratorian researchers should collaborate to harness the full potential of the high costs for the betterment of
people
's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Improve clarity and connection between ideas
Try to make your supporting arguments more explicit and clearly connected to your main point, e.g., explain exactly how raising prices will change people's sugar consumption habits.
Expand with specific examples or evidence
Ensure that all your main points are well-supported with relevant examples or data to strengthen your argument.
Strong structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, structuring your argument well.
Relevance to the task
You address a relevant societal issue and attempt to provide a solution.
Clarity of expression
The language used is mostly clear and understandable, helping convey your point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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