IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

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The
advert
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advent
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 of
technology
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,
it
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apply
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has changed the way people spend their leisure time, especially
the
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apply
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children
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.
Although
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technology
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 is an excellent source of information and has helped
children
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 grow smart, the excessive
use
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 of
multimedia
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 by
children
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 has negative implications
on
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for
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 their health and
career
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careers
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the drawbacks of
technology
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 on young ones with reasons and related examples. Nowadays, the
use
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 of
technology
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 has made little minds smarter and better aware of their surroundings. But, it has led to detrimental effects on the body and mind of
children
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.
For example
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, studies show that there is a there are number of
children
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 who have diabetes and various other heart issues. It is a result of
children
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 watching their favourite shows or playing video games on television rather than playing in a park with friends.
Therefore
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, technologies are
effecting
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affecting
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on
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apply
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the health of the little ones. Another disadvantage of a rise in the
use
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 of
multimedia
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 is that
children
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 have become
direction-less
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directionless
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. They have lost interest in books, leading to poor grades in exams.
For example
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,
in
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apply
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 one research argued that students who failed
last
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 year revealed that these students under-performed
due to
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 over-
use
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 of various forms of media. Indeed, there is a negative impact of new technologies on
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children' s
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children's
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career
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careers
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. In conclusion,
although
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 the
use
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 of
multimedia
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 provides knowledge to little minds and makes them intelligent, the
ill-effects
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ill effects
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 on health and studies
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are
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the advantages of a rise in new technologies entirely.
Therefore
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, it is the responsibility of parents to motivate
children
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 to play in
open
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the open
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 and to highlight the importance of education so that the younger generation can productively
use
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multimedia
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.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a relevant response to the prompt, but the response lacks depth and clarity in places. It might be beneficial to elaborate more on how technology positively affects children's free time and provide more balanced examples.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, the development of arguments within the essay could benefit from clearer linking words or phrases to signal shifts between ideas or additional related points. This would enhance the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
To improve your essay, ensure that each main point is closely supported by specific, relevant examples or evidence. This will bolster your arguments significantly, making your position clearer to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your discussion on technology's impact on children's free time.
task achievement
You clearly present both advantages and disadvantages of new technologies, which indicates a balanced approach to discussing the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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