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Band 4.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
The
advert
Correct your spelling
advent
show examples
 of
technology
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has changed the way people spend their leisure time, especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
.
Although
technology
 is an excellent source of information and has helped
children
 grow smart, the excessive
use
 of
multimedia
 by
children
 has negative implications
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their health and
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
.
This
 essay will discuss the drawbacks of
technology
 on young ones with reasons and related examples. Nowadays, the
use
 of
technology
 has made little minds smarter and better aware of their surroundings. But, it has led to detrimental effects on the body and mind of
children
.
For example
, studies show that there is a there are number of
children
 who have diabetes and various other heart issues. It is a result of
children
 watching their favourite shows or playing video games on television rather than playing in a park with friends.
Therefore
, technologies are
effecting
Correct your spelling
affecting
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the health of the little ones. Another disadvantage of a rise in the
use
 of
multimedia
 is that
children
 have become
direction-less
Correct your spelling
directionless
show examples
. They have lost interest in books, leading to poor grades in exams.
For example
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
 one research argued that students who failed
last
 year revealed that these students under-performed
due to
 over-
use
 of various forms of media. Indeed, there is a negative impact of new technologies on
children' s
Change noun form
children's
show examples
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
 the
use
 of
multimedia
 provides knowledge to little minds and makes them intelligent, the
ill-effects
Correct your spelling
ill effects
show examples
 on health and studies
Add a missing verb
are
show examples
the advantages of a rise in new technologies entirely.
Therefore
, it is the responsibility of parents to motivate
children
 to play in
open
Correct article usage
the open
show examples
 and to highlight the importance of education so that the younger generation can productively
use
multimedia
.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a relevant response to the prompt, but the response lacks depth and clarity in places. It might be beneficial to elaborate more on how technology positively affects children's free time and provide more balanced examples.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, the development of arguments within the essay could benefit from clearer linking words or phrases to signal shifts between ideas or additional related points. This would enhance the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
To improve your essay, ensure that each main point is closely supported by specific, relevant examples or evidence. This will bolster your arguments significantly, making your position clearer to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your discussion on technology's impact on children's free time.
task achievement
You clearly present both advantages and disadvantages of new technologies, which indicates a balanced approach to discussing the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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