IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people think that having a set retirement age of 65 for everybody, regardless ocupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retaired and receive a pension at an earlier age do you agree or disagree

#people #retirement #age #everybody #ocupation #workers #pension
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It has been observed that the majority of the countries follow a certain
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 limit either 60 or 65 based on the government rules.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that certain occupations demand employees to retire at an early
age
Use synonyms
 and receive the benefits based on the services they provide to the country. In my view,
although
Linking Words
 I accept that all
people
Use synonyms
 should be treated equally, there are certain jobs that demand early
retirement
Use synonyms
 and the employees should receive the rewards at an early
age
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with,
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 in military service stay away from their families and loved ones for a longer period of
time
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. Their
work
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 demands to stay in remote places and at times their life go through dangerous
situations
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. Since they start to
work
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 at an earlier
age
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, not only do they stay away from their families but
also
Linking Words
, they are not living a peaceful life. By providing an early
retirement
Use synonyms
 option, they can spend their
time
Use synonyms
 on other aspects of life which they are interested in.
This
Linking Words
 can bring a positive feeling among those
people
Use synonyms
 and they feel compensated for the sacrifices they have made. Another industry which demands early
retirement
Use synonyms
 is for
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 in
Navy
Correct article usage
the Navy
show examples
force
Capitalize word
Force
show examples
 and sailing.
This
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
 similar to the
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 in the army and only the difference is they spend their youth in the ocean away from their homes. They
also
Linking Words
 face dangerous
situations
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 and at times even go through life-or-death
situations
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. It is important for any country to show
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
respect and gratitude for
people
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 who provide
such
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 services so that they benefit in some ways from the
time
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 they spend away from their loved ones.
For example
Linking Words
, my uncle worked in
Navy
Correct article usage
the Navy
show examples
 Department and he stayed away from his family for a long
time
Use synonyms
. He missed celebrations, his children’s birthdays, family
time
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 and even he was unavailable
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some emergency
situations
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. At times, he was upset about these things even though he was incredible at his
work
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. If he had the option for an early
retirement
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, he could have spent the
time
Use synonyms
 with the
people
Use synonyms
 he loved.
To conclude
Linking Words
, having a certain
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 is good to some extent in various occupations.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 practice is not beneficial for all
people
Use synonyms
 considering the kind of jobs and the dangers associated with it. In my view, certain jobs deserve an early
retirement
Use synonyms
 and they should receive the benefits at an earlier
age
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by greeshmav91 on

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general
Ensure to proofread for minor typos or grammatical errors, such as 'retaired' instead of 'retired.'
task response
Make sure to fully develop each example to enhance paragraph support.
coherence cohesion
Create a stronger thematic link between your introduction and conclusion by rephrasing key arguments.
task response
Clear differentiation of specific workers who might benefit from an earlier retirement age with detailed examples.
coherence cohesion
Well-structured essay with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Logical flow of ideas connecting the hardships of certain professions with the potential for early retirement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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