IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some peopel say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports faciliteis. Others, howevesat that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#peopel #health #sports #faciliteis #howevesat #effect #measures
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Some
people
 tend to suggest that the best way to improve public
health
 is by increasing the
number
 of
sports
facilities
.
However
, other
people
 say that
this
 would have little effect on public
health
 and that other efforts are required. In my opinion, I do not think that increasing the
number
 of
sports
facilities
 will improve public
health
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because there are a lot of
people
 out there that do not lack
sports
facilities
 but
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
lack the will to start doing
sports
 and improve their
health
. Even if the
number
 of
sports
facilities
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increased, some
people
 still won’t go to the
sports
facilities
. On another note, increasing the
number
 of
sports
facilities
 will
also
cause
Verb problem
cost
show examples
 a lot of money for the government.
Instead
 of increasing the
number
 of
sports
facilities
, the government should make a policy where schools and workplaces are required to make a
sports
 day in their schools or
workplace
Fix the agreement mistake
workplaces
show examples
.
However
, there might be a chance that increasing the
number
 of
sports
facilities
 might improve public
health
.
Although
 some
people
 are just lazy, there are
also
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 want to do
sports
 but
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not have the
facilities
 to do it.
For example
,
people
 who
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
 in remote and rural places.
Such
people
 might be interested in doing
sports
 or even have a passion for
sports
 but they lack the
facilities
 to do it. In conclusion, I do not agree that increasing the
number
 of
sports
facilities
 will improve public
health
, and I
also
 think that there are more effective ways to improve the
health
 of the public.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to use more varied linking words and phrases to ensure a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
For task achievement, ensure that each point is developed with specific examples or evidence where possible. This can help make your argument more convincing and grounded.
task achievement
Try to give a clearer overview by summarizing both perspectives in your introduction to help set the stage for your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, and you effectively summarize the main points of discussion, which is essential for a coherent essay.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of differing opinions on the topic. This is crucial for a balanced and comprehensive task response.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as those living in remote areas, supports your points and adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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