IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

WRITING TASK 2 You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#minutes #topic #children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Children
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
spend hours every day on their
smartphones
. Since
smartphones
are involve
Change the verb form
are involved
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 enjoyable
aplications
Correct your spelling
applications
 and games. To illustrate Snapchat, Instagram and Pubg. These are harmful for the
children
.
Therefore
 they shouldn'
t
 much spend time on
smartphones
. Seeing that
smartphones
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
physical problems and some
mind
Replace the word
mental
show examples
 problems. After that
smartphones
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 many advantages and disadvantages.
Firstly
,
smartphones
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 many advantages. Seeing as
smartphones
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 to fun and education. To oversimplify,
while
 studying and playing games. Thereby
this
 issue remark to
children
. Later
on
Add a comma
on,
show examples
 technology
improving
Wrong verb form
improved
show examples
 day by day.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
smartphones
 are progress.
Hence
children
 should just use
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
smartphones
 for education and research to anything.
Secondly
,
smartpones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 many disadvantages. Seeing as
smartphones
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 much radiation.
Thereby
Rephrase
Therefore
show examples
 adults should give the time limit to the smartphone.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
smartphones
 are very extensive today. The circumstances
bad
Add a missing verb
have bad
show examples
 effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
children
. To clarify headache, back pain
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
lazy eye etc. That's why
parents
 shouldn'
t
 consent to too much make use of the
smartphones
. All in all,
children
 don'
t
 use too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
smartphones
.
In that
Change preposition
That
show examples
 physical and mental
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 are significant for
children
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. From my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 I strongly believe that
parents
 must take care
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 issue. As an extra
parents
 should restrain to wield
smartphones
 in
this
 situation. Providing that
parents
constraint
Replace the word
constrain
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
 in
this
 subject,
children
 will be more healthy in future life.
In
Change the preposition
On
show examples
 the contrary
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
children
 wouldn'
t
Add a missing verb
be healty
show examples
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
. Taking everything into account all of us should be careful. We shouldn'
t
 spend too much time on
smartphones
. We must forget that health is the most essential and valuable in the world.
Submitted by eylulelveren7 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical progression of your ideas. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that your arguments are clearly related.
task achievement
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to minimize errors and improve comprehension.
coherence cohesion
You successfully included an introduction and a conclusion, making the essay well-rounded.
task achievement
Your essay clearly addresses the prompt by discussing both the reasons children spend time on smartphones and whether it is positive or negative.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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