IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some believe that people today have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that we preserve a traditional way of life. Discuss both viwes and give your opinions.

#believe #people #interest #culture #country #region #life #viwes
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There is an ongoing debate
whether
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about whether
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 it is still important
to
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for to
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 people maintain a traditional
culture
 of their origin that
present
Correct subject-verb agreement
presents
show examples
 our way of life.
While
 some people
do
Verb problem
are
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 not interested in keeping it
due to
 advanced fields,
such
 as science and technology,
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 more impacts
to
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on
show examples
future
 life, I personally agree that maintaining the traditional
heritage
 should be a priority. On the one hand, people who affirm that we do not need to maintain
traditional
Add an article
the traditional
show examples
heritage
 of our place have a particular reason. They believe that
culture
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not have any correlation with the
future
. As technology and science experience
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
massive development nowadays, they tend to be more focused on these fields.
For example
, many students are likely to become
a
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apply
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scientist
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scientists
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 or
a
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apply
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doctor
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doctors
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 because these professions have a direct impact on society in terms of
the technology
Replace the word
technological
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 advancement.
However
, I believe that
future
Correct article usage
a future
show examples
 without a
heritage
 will be meaningless.
On the other hand
, individuals who argue that
culture
 is crucial to be preserved in our lifestyle see other points of view.
Firstly
, they believe that the traditional
heritage
 is an identity as part of a society. These citizens
convince
Wrong verb form
are convinced
show examples
 that
heritage
 shapes us to be unique
than
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to
show examples
 other communities and thereby it is
a
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apply
show examples
mandatory to maintain it well.
Secondly
, it is believed that losing traditional
culture
 indicates that we do not respect our community.
For example
, many children are unable to speak their indigenous language because
of
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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globalization leads them to be more internationalized. In the long term, the original
culture
 will remain as a history only, if there is no one
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 it anymore which means we will lose our real identity. In conclusion,
while
 individuals prefer to ignore the traditional
culture
 because it is not
impactul
Correct your spelling
impactful
 to their
future
, I firmly believe that maintaining our
heritage
 is pivotal to our community identity.
Submitted by chocolate10 on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your examples to strengthen your argument. Instead of just mentioning students wanting to become scientists, explain why that is the case and how it relates to the argument about technology over tradition.
task achievement
Ensure that you discuss both views in equal measure. Currently, your essay seems more weighted towards supporting the preservation of traditional culture.
task achievement
Work on expressing your ideas more clearly by refining your sentence structures. This will help in making your essay more comprehensible.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, consider using linking words or phrases more effectively between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by organizing your ideas logically within each paragraph. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is well-written, clearly stating your stance on the topic and what the essay will cover.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a good conclusion that sums up your argument effectively.
task achievement
The essay covers both views of the debate, recognizing the importance of modern advancements while still valuing traditional heritage.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Globalization
  • Cultural identity
  • Traditional customs
  • Heritage
  • Cultural preservation
  • Modernization
  • Cultural revival
  • Intergenerational
  • Societal cohesion
  • Continuity
  • Multicultural societies
  • Revitalization
  • Heritage preservation
  • Cultural integration
  • Evolving cultures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: