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Band 5

one of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy
In the present day,
life
Add an article
the life
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 expectancy of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 tends to increase during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advance
Replace the word
advanced
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 medical care.
In
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This
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this
 essay will explain the advantages of the improvement outweigh the disadvantages Over the past century,
people
tend
Wrong verb form
have tended
show examples
 to live longer compared to the past.
meanwhile
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meanwhile,
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 the advancement of technologies has been increasing surprisingly, especially in the medical
technology
 related to
advanced
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advanced-age
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age
 patients. The advantages of
advance
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advanced
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 medical
technology
 may comprise
of
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apply
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many aspects.
For instance
, robotic surgery has
an
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the
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 ability to perform complex
operation
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operations
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 in complicated diseases
such
 as renal
cancer
,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 disease related to
advance
Replace the word
advanced
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age
, with less complication and less recovery-rate time compared to open surgery, contemporary operation, which may cause
life threatening
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life-threatening
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condition
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conditions
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 after postoperation.
Besides
, the development of
cancer
 drugs is now
high efficiency
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highly efficient
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to cure
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in curing
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cancer
 in spite of
Correct article usage
the
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high stage.
According to
 the research,
people
 having stage one or two breast
cancer
 can be treated effectively
from
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with
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 targeted-drug therapy
program
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programs
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.
Moreover
,
people
 having
last
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the last
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 stage of breast
cancer
, undergo targeted
drug
Fix the agreement mistake
drugs
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, can be cured and have longer
life
 expectancy compared to the past.
However
,
the
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with the
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 increasing
age
,
the
Correct word choice
and the
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increasing
Change the word
increasingly
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more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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complex disease, some of
technologies
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the technologies
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 have
its limitation
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their limitations
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.
For example
, aggressive
cancer
, which
characterize
Wrong verb form
is characterised
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 by the involvement
through
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of
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 the body, might not be succussed by one operation even
high
Correct word choice
if high
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technology
 is performed. Some patients need
combination
Correct article usage
a combination
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both
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of both
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 surgery and non-surgery treatment in order the achieve the goal of treatment. To summarize, long-
life
 expectancy contributes to
advance
Replace the word
advanced
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technology
 which can save
people
Change noun form
people's
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 from complicated
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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 because of
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
age
. Even
through
Correct your spelling
though
show examples
 some cannot be treated by one choice of treatment,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of
Add an article
the
show examples
development outweigh the disadvantages as aforementioned.
Submitted by narnrs1 on

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction by clearly stating your main arguments or points to be discussed. This will provide a clearer roadmap for your essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using more transitional words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly.
task achievement
Offer a more detailed discussion on the possible disadvantages of improved medical care to provide a more balanced view.
task achievement
Ensure all ideas are fully developed and clearly explained. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your response.
relevant specific examples
The essay effectively uses examples to illustrate the advancements in medical technology and their impact on life expectancy.
supported main points
The main points about the advantages of improved medical care are well-supported with examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consequences
  • improved medical care
  • life expectancy
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • healthcare
  • quality of life
  • population
  • economic burden
  • elderly
  • dependency
  • technology
  • ethical concerns
What to do next:
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